The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Neighbors, huh? They’re all over the place these days – and that can be a good or bad thing. Since leaving college I haven’t really befriended any of my neighbors. I say hello and such, but I don’t really interact with them.

I do notice them though, and judge them from a distance.

Missing: Father, Found: Dog

Julia knew she wasn’t ready for a dog, but not being ready for something big in her life hadn’t stopped her before … and that turned out to be the most beautiful decision of her life, Lucy. With such love, why are Julia and Lucy fighting so much? Missing: Father, Found: Dog is the beautiful coming of age story of Lucy, who has to deal with high school, boys, her mom’s overbearing self, and the fact that her dog just pooped on the sidewalk.

Will puppy love restore lost mother-daughter bonds, or will the new pooch rip holes in their relationship, like she did in the curtains.

It’s a heartfelt roller coaster that’ll have you reaching for tissues, and hugs. I’d see it again, but only after I stop by the SPCA.

Miss Wynter

“Four years. Four years.” That’s Miss Wynter’s mantra. It’s four years until she can retire from teaching those bratty, smelly, germ-infested punks other people refer to as fifth graders.

She hadn’t always been this way, as Miss Wynter puts it, “I used to be young, and stupid. Now I’m old, and it’s 3:22 so I’m going home.”

In this dark comedy watch as Miss Wynter takes care of her lawn, and neglects the kids. It’s fun for the family! Assuming you hate your kids.

Medical Gloves

Apples, bananas, cereal, oatmeal, pasta, pasta sauce, orange juice, toothpaste. Hank’s grocery list read like anyone else’s. Although he always left off one item. He left it off because he knew he was going to buy it.

Latex gloves. Medical gloves. Those “powder free” blue ones. “Natural” Latex gloves. Each store had a different take on them, and he knew them all. He was smart. He never bought from the same store twice in a row. It might raise questions.

Hank didn’t like questions.

When Hank’s neighbor walked by and gave a questioning glance at Hank cleaning his car with a pair of his gloves, Hank didn’t like that. He thought the neighbor might start asking questions.

Hank decided to be proactive this time. He preferred it when he was being proactive.

Hank will do … anything … to stop questions.

(Seriously one of my neighbors cleans his car, his crappy old car, with latex gloves. It’s very off-putting. Also, he drives really slowly. This doesn’t mean anything, it’s just annoying if we’re leaving the apartment complex at the same time.)

Diversity

Today is Sunday, May 6th, and I was texting with Airplanes and Rainbow Speak to see if they’d like to have lunch. Lunch didn’t pan out, but I was amused at how different our Sundays were going.

 

Airplanes – Watching Oprah (“Aw, I miss her” she said to me) and eating soup.

Juicebox – Playing soccer. Go Juicebox!!

Rainbow Speak – Watching Parks and Rec, with plans to read some Plato a little later.

Myself – Watching ‘Whitest Kids U Know” and eating fast food.

 

It was the difference between Airplanes and I that really made me laugh. When I texted Rainbow Speak I was really hoping he’d be up to something completely different as well, but his and I plans were pretty similar. My hope was his text was a lie, and that he’s actually building a paper-mache unicorn farm right now.

 

In case you were curious, this may very well be my most boring post ever. You’re welcome.

Attn: Ellen (5/9/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s my crack at the guy’s internal monologue:

“Man, she’s hot … Except maybe too literally … Yep, the ability to light yourself on fire is a con … But she called me handsome!! … Eh, she did kill those kids … But she owns a lot of form-fitting clothes!! …”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. Will they go on a third date!? Yes. Yes they will.

Why am I sending these postcards?