The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Recently I went to a surprise party. I flew out to see my sister for her birthday, and my visiting was a surprise. And THEN, the next night we had a big drinkfest/private karaoke room and that was a surprise. It was fun.

On the second night, we all got there before my sister and there was a short debate about what to yell. “Surprise!” and “Happy Birthday!” were two pretty sound options. It got me thinking though …

 

GOOD Things to Have Yelled at You at a Surprise Party

Happy birthday!

Congratulations on your promotion!!

(Some crazy TV show) built you this house!!!

Naked ladies!!!!

Ice cream for everybody!!!!!

 

 

BAD Things to Have Yelled at You at a Surprise Party

Cannibalism!

Free baby!!

Fran Drescher Audio Books!!!

Court Appointed Therapy!!!!

Vasectomy!!!!!

Quotes of the Day!

“Read almost half.

Just didn’t like”

This was written on the title page of my (used) copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude.

I have to say, I agree with the quote. HOWEVER, I pushed on, and while the book was at times confusing and rambly and long-winded (remind you of anyone?) there were some lovely quotes. Without further ado …

 

One Hundred Years of Solitude Quotes

In several desperate efforts of concentration he willed her to appear but Remedios did not respond. He looked for her in her sisters’ shop, behind the window shades in her house, in her father’s office, but he found her only in the image that saturated his private and terrible solitude.

 

whose head covered with patent leather curls aroused in women an irrepressible need to sigh

 

He wept one whole afternoon in Ursula’s lap and she would have sold her soul in order to comfort him.

 

He became lost in misty byways, in times reserved for oblivion, in labyrinths of disappointment.

 

so many times postponed, putting her resignation aside and shitting on everything once and for all and drawing out of her heart the infinite stacks of bad words that she had been forced to swallow over a century of conformity.
“Shit!” she shouted.

 

“If you hadn’t come,” he said, “you never would have seen me again.”
Meme felt the weight of his hand on her knee and she knew that they were both arriving at the other side of abandonment at that instant.
“What shocks me about you,” she said smiling, “is that you always say exactly what you shouldn’t be saying.”

 

he realized that his wife’s determination had been provoked by a nostalgic mirage

 

the scientific possibility of seeing the future showing through in time as one sees what is written on the back of a sheet of paper through the light

***

While I would not recommend this book, it still had its moments for me. And lines like, in particular, the last one, bring pictures of new stories to my mind. For that reason I’m happy I read the book (and not just so I can stop feeling guilty for having bought it and not read it).

Buy it here.

Weekly Wacko (66)

Cat-Rap

Something that happens a lot more often than I’d like is having a joke fall flat. This could be because people didn’t hear me (I can sometimes mumble), the joke was not right for the audience (know your audience) or, let’s be honest, because the joke stunk (no comment).

My sophomore year of high school I hung out with my neighbor Ryan a lot. Ryan had a CD of “The Hot Boys.” For a while he was big on playing this CD when we’d drive to Media Play and Krispy Kreme (just your typical Friday night). One of the songs had the following lyrics, “ah-whatcha need boy? [I need a hot girl] ah-whatcha want boy? [I want a hot girl].” The song is called, aptly enough, “I Need a Hot Girl.” It’s on YouTube, you can check out the video for its great lighting … right, great lighting.

One day, my mom and I were the only people at the house. The cat and dog were also around.

The cat meowed.

“Whatcha need, girl?”

Meow.

“Whatcha want, girl?”

In almost perfect synch with the song, my mom had basically duplicated one of The Hot Boys hits, except instead of meowing you’d say “I want a hot girl”/”I need a hot girl.”

Realizing this, I sang loudly, “she wants a hot girrrllll.”

My mom didn’t laugh, but I think my cat and I were at least on the same page, so we laughed about it lots.

***

Go to about 55 seconds in for the brilliant chorus.