DumbFunnery

Remember Swine Flu? When it was all the talk on news channels, a thought occurred to me. An important thought. What do you do when an important thought occurs? You write a letter.

Attached is the letter I wrote, plus the (finally!) response I received just this week.

The Letter

Dear Mr. Bacon,

My name is Brad, and I am a big fan of your movies. I have learned how to handle giant desert-dwelling creatures, and how to dance off an angry day – and it’s all thanks to you.

Because I am such a big fan, I wanted to warn you. Swine flu. It’s here. It’s probably gunning for you.

You are the most famous Mr. Bacon I know of, and the swine flu probably knows about you, too. Are you, as a Bacon, particularly worried about this? Have you changed your daily habits? Are you considering a name change? If so, don’t pick cured ham – IT WON’T HELP MUCH.

Here are some new name suggestions I have taken the liberty of gathering: Kevin Turkey-Bacon (maybe you can marry a woman with the last name Turkey), Kevin Shakin (this could coincide with a re-release of Footloose?), Kevin Jamaican (open up a whole new realm of movies for you to be in), Kevin Spacey (this could lead to an often-dreamed about Kevin-Off).

Again, Mr. Bacon, I write only out of concern for you and this intelligent disease, the SWINE FLU. By all accounts this letter MAY BE TOO LATE.

Please take action.

Sincere Regards,
Me

The Response

Dear Brad,

Oink.

Love Always,
The Baconator