The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘advice’

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

A good friend of mine, Juicebox, is going to the World Cup. It’s going to be fantastic, but the other day he pointed out something to me:

Everyone keeps saying, some jokingly and some not, warnings about riots.

First of all, as with almost everything in life, it’s all about preparation. In addition to packing shorts, good walking shoes, shirts, your team’s gear, etc, why not pack a few riot shields? Maybe a gas mask and Kevlar body armor too. Sure it may raise a few eyebrows at the airport (possibly prevent you from flying?) but whenever security asks you a question about your frighteningly heavy suitcase respond coolly “takes one to know one.”

Riot police, or prepared-for-the-worst soccer fans?

I’ve heard rumor of riot police using tear gas, so bring a lot of tissues. If you’re short on money, toilet paper works. You’ll be a crowd favorite when they’re getting “handled” by the police and you hand out items to deal with the waterworks.

Also, bring extra underwear. Just trust me on this. Lastly, get a lot of pictures of attractive people and cute animals on your phone. This will help with the flight and also it comes into play in a riot.

(In case riot police are reading this: The movie Up is a much less expensive way to induce tears. Plus it has the added benefit of teaching people about love.)

That’s enough talk of prep – let’s get to the good stuff.

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

1 – Stay calm. If you can’t, go ahead and crap your pants, that way you are forced to stay calm because no adult in their right mind is going to be running/jumping/moving about with all that going on in their underroos.

2 – Use soothing tones, maybe just make cooing noises. Picture the rioting people, or police in head-to-toe riot gear, as an angry dog. If you have food, shake it with good intentions toward the face of the rioter/police. For the sake of a good sound, I’d recommend a box of crackers. (It sounds like an edible puzzle!)

3 – Get your phone out and start showing people around you the pictures of attractive people or animals. Take a look at who is around you and use your best guess to determine what they would like. Here are some tips:

a. If the person near you is a guy who has ripped off his shirt only to reveal an underwhelming lack of diet or workout concerns, try a picture of a mostly naked lady

b. If the person near you is a motherly figure who looks like she could kill with her eyes, try a picture of Matthew McConaughey

c. If it’s a cop, try a picture of a kitten cuddling with a puppy sleeping on TOP of a large dog (Talk about adorable!)

4 – Walk with confidence toward the nearest baby. No one (police or rioters) wants to hurt a baby and have that clip playing 24×7 on the news. Just hang out near the baby. The animal pictures, food, and messy pants will all endear you to the kiddo so you’ve got yourself a new buddy.

 

Good luck Juicebox. With my pro tips in mind, everything will be just fine.

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Do Not Use Electroshock Therapy

This post was inspired by a work email that included this sage piece of advice, if you are bitten by a rattlesnake one of the things NOT to do if bitten is: “Do not use electroshock therapy.”

 

***

“John! JOHN!! HELP!!”
“Doug? Doug, what’s going on?!”
“A snake just bit me! I think it’s a rattlesnake too!”
“Oh my God! Is it still closeby?”
“No … No, I was in the woods when I got bit, so I ran out to this trail to find you.”
“Ok good. Ok … Ok. Umm, so first of all stay calm. And – ”
“I have the area of the bite below my heart so that -”
“Oh yeah! Yeah! You want to minimize blood flow or something. Ok yeah. So … ok it’s coming back to me some … Uh …”
“I remember no aspirin because it can increase bleeding.”
“Yes! Yes! Good memory! Um … OH! DUH! Electroshock therapy!”
“…What?”
“Yeah. How could I forget? People always make fun of me for having this travel version home electroshock therapy kit in my trunk, so you’d think I would’ve thought of this right away … I tell ya, it’s funny how the mind works, it’s like this one time – ”
“DUDE.”
“Right! Be right back!”
“Wait! … NO! … Dang it … Why does he want to give me electroshock therapy? Is he thinking I imagined this whole snake bite and he’s a therapist from the 30’s? What kind of awful solution is shocking the hell out of me? ‘Were you bitten by a snake?’ ‘Yes’. Bzzzzz. This is just so -”
“Hey! I ran back as fast as I could. Ok, so if I remember right it’s like jump starting a car.”
“I AM NOT A CAR.”
“Dude, chill. I know that. This is for the snake bite. Desperate times I guess. I mean! … Not that this is desperate. Stay calm … Just … put these clamps on.”
“NO! NO! How is shocking me supposed to help!?!?”
“Uh … first of all it’s electroshock therapy … So … That makes a difference I guess. And second of all I’m not a scientist, but I guess the shocks are like a therapeutic measure that relaxes you so the venoms collect and drain out with the blood that you’re losing. It’s all good, dude. Just bite down on this towel so you don’t accidentally bite your tongue off and we’ll get your engine running again. Ha! Get it? Like you’re a car.”
“…Yeah, I got the joke.”

 

And that’s how Doug died.

 

(The advice is funny to me because it seems like common sense to me, when is electroshock therapy ever a good idea?, but also it’s funny because it has a sort of double negative … What NOT to do: Do NOT use electroshock therapy. So are you saying you want me to use electroshock therapy?)

 

Nurse Ratchet, why are you carrying that bucket of snakes?

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Post-Thanksgiving Work Chat Dos and Do Nots

On Monday I’ll be back at work and it will be as exciting as ever. Productivity should be slow in the morning because of the post-vacation catch-up chit chat.

Here are some simple do’s and do not’s for all you socially inept folks out there.

Do:

Co-worker: Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?
You: It was great! Good food, saw family, slept lots! (Fake laugh!)

Don’t:

Co-worker: Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?
You: I rode my bicycle through an Indian Reservation and screamed happy Thanksgiving.
Co-worker: That … Um …

Do:

Co-worker: I clearly ate too much pumpkin pie over Thanksgiving! (Fake laugh!)
You: Tell me about it! We should be allowed to wear sweatpants to work the week after Thanksgiving! (Fake laugh!)

Don’t:

Co-worker: I clearly ate too much pumpkin pie over Thanksgiving! (Fake laugh!)
You: Yeah … It was just Thanksgiving that did you in …

Do:

You: Oh hey, how was your Thanksgiving?
Co-worker: (Long-winded stories.)

Don’t:

You: Oh God, are you serious? I know you’re about to tell me the EXACT SAME stories you JUST told the guy who sits next to me! You really think I want to listen to that again?
Co-worker: …

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