The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘awkward silence’

De Jour of the Week (12/6/10)

Shocking Celebrity News!

Well-known actor Keanu Reeves today was shocked to learn that he is, in fact, an actor. Upon learning the news Reeves was heard to utter, “whoa,” and, “so I don’t know kung-fu?”

Reeves, who is best known for playing a rather dim-witted but likable character in <movie name here>, is “eh, he’s ok” by 77% of movie-goers.

At first paparazzi laughed when they observed Keanu’s shock at finding out he was an actor. Then they realized the joke was just “too good,” as paparazzi Joe “I watch you while you sleep” Meyerson put it. “At first I thought, wow what a great joke Keanu!, then I was like, wait a minute … this is Keanu!”

Meyerson then began to quiz Reeves, asking him about what he thought certain times of his life were if not movies.

Said Keanu,

“Look, I took a bus once, and then I decided to never take one again. Are you kidding me? That was so scary.”

“The NFL is incredibly tough. I have so much respect for those guys. Not only do they go out there and play every … whatever day that is, but they also have to work out coordinated song-and-dance numbers in case they get arrested. That’s why after that season I retired.”

“What’s a phone booth? Oh you mean me and Bill! … Look, it was a phase. I time-traveled. Give me a break.”

Meyerson’s last question to Keanu was an important one to fans of this great (actor) everywhere – “now that you know you’re an actor … will this impact your acting style?”

Said Reeves, “I just realized I’m not wearing pants. Is that ok?”

Keanu Reeves fans rejoice, because he looks to be the same fantastic actor we’ve all come to unwillingly and oddly know and love.

[In other news … if you haven’t seen this site I find it pretty funny: http://sadkeanu.tumblr.com/]

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Top 10 Overheard TSA Statements

10) “Sir please take off your pants and do the macarena. It’s for the greater good.”

9) “DANG dude why are you so turned … Oh that’s actually a gun!? … What do I do now?”

8) “Do you love America? Eat the magic Jello while I stare at your package. Also, let me see your penis.”

7) “Do you mind if I take off my pants too?”

6) “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Either way *snap of latex glove* bend over.”

5) “I guess if I was stranded on a desert island I would take my favorite movie – The Secretary – a tent, and some stranger to grope.”

4) “Sir. SIR! Please don’t discuss politics in public that’s bad form … Hey!, somebody’s not circumcised!”

3) “Welcome to the airport … Re-live your disappointing prom night sexual experience!”

2) “I didn’t go to four minutes of TSA medical school to be questioned by some commoner!”

1) “Just picture this as a Prince music video and you’ll actually enjoy it.”

 

I’m traveling to the San Francisco bay area this weekend to see J Minnie, Theresa and other pals. Wish me luck!

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Idea

Problem:

There are lots of retired folks who are probably making next to nothing, and they have too much free time.

Problem:

Many guys (probably girls too) don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Solution:

One day a month, an unannounced day, a little old lady will sit in the woman’s bathroom and a little old man in the men’s. When someone tries to leave the little old lady or man will SHOOT the dirty person with a paintball gun.

Thus, the dirty folks are known throughout the world.

Final Result:

You know who not to touch. Also, I giggle.

Secondary Final Result:

I get made fun of for being a 26-year old man giggling in the corner of a bathroom.

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