The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘gun’

Attn: Ellen (9/10/14)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If there was an actual Texas pan with the panhandle as the actual pan handle what would its signature dish be?

Trick question!

The pan would have your Texas state concealed handgun license (CHL) engraved on it.


Why am I doing this?

How to Deal with Criminals – Poetry Style

Sometimes crime happens. And a criminals worst nightmare might by a little poetry. Memorize these, they could save you some grief.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If I put down my gun
So should you


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No, because summer never stole my favorite shoes.
Please give them back.


Sweet as a cookie,
Sharp as a tack.
My car was not bought
To experience carjack.


O captain, my captain
Where is my watch?
Seriously … who took my watch.


The devil dances
And dines
And devours
The unwary travelers of life
You’re not the devil
But you come close with that knife


What is life?
What is the purpose for all of this strife?
Who are we?
Please, anonymous hacker, un-steal my identity?

Where’s My Beret?

Some “art” done by doing a screen capture on the background, then drawing in some sweetness with Paint. Behold …

Top 10 Overheard TSA Statements

10) “Sir please take off your pants and do the macarena. It’s for the greater good.”

9) “DANG dude why are you so turned … Oh that’s actually a gun!? … What do I do now?”

8) “Do you love America? Eat the magic Jello while I stare at your package. Also, let me see your penis.”

7) “Do you mind if I take off my pants too?”

6) “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Either way *snap of latex glove* bend over.”

5) “I guess if I was stranded on a desert island I would take my favorite movie – The Secretary – a tent, and some stranger to grope.”

4) “Sir. SIR! Please don’t discuss politics in public that’s bad form … Hey!, somebody’s not circumcised!”

3) “Welcome to the airport … Re-live your disappointing prom night sexual experience!”

2) “I didn’t go to four minutes of TSA medical school to be questioned by some commoner!”

1) “Just picture this as a Prince music video and you’ll actually enjoy it.”


I’m traveling to the San Francisco bay area this weekend to see J Minnie, Theresa and other pals. Wish me luck!

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