The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘bad joke’

Join Me in Boycotting Neutrogena

Neutrogena is a criminally offensive and awful organization and I insist that everyone join me in boycotting them. It’s one thing to be awful, but to be awful so publicly and with a smile on your face is not forgivable. Honestly, it sickens me. I can’t stop hearing some fresh-faced innocent looking young woman saying that phrase, “cleans up your poors.” Really?!? Just because they’re poor doesn’t mean they aren’t people!

Join me everyone! Join me in boycotting Neutrogena!

Smooth Criminal

The bank job had gone all wrong. There wasn’t even one moment after it started where things were going right. Tommy had tripped while moving into his position and his gun fired.

All hell broke loose after that.

With some quick thinking and surprisingly intelligent gut instincts from the crew, we still managed to get the money … But the cops were on to us from the start.

Our driver was good, but not that good.

As the police were closing in on us I had a flash of brilliance.

“Guys – when the cops finally get to us here’s what you do.

“Tommy, Stick out your tongue and make moose antlers with your fingers.

“Shoes, Ask a cop if you can pull his finger.

“Donnie, Yell out ‘stranger danger – mommy said to never talk to strangers!!’ when a cop starts yelling at you.

“And I will -”

One of the fellows cut me off. Not everyone on the crew is as smooth an operator as I am. They wanted to know why we should act like a bunch of kids.

“Guys,” I said this almost laughing, our jail time would be nothing, couldn’t they see?, “I’ve heard about cases where someone gets less time because they’re juvenile.”

Attn: Ellen (1/30/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Quick New Year’s resolution update, since you asked, my resolution to wrongly assume un-asked questions and then answer out loud to unwilling audiences is going swimmingly!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. See what I did there? I’ll tell you, what I did was …

P.P.S. See what I did there part two?

Why am I doing this?