The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘New Year’s Resolution’

Attn: Ellen (1/30/13)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Quick New Year’s resolution update, since you asked, my resolution to wrongly assume un-asked questions and then answer out loud to unwilling audiences is going swimmingly!


P.S. See what I did there? I’ll tell you, what I did was …

P.P.S. See what I did there part two?

Why am I doing this?

Welcoming 2013

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some. I just need to “re-brand” it. I need to combine a resolution with a slogan. Make 2013 a year known as … something.

2013, Make Friends with a Queen

That could be a potential resolution AND slogan. Am I currently friends with a queen? Not that I know of. Should I become friends with one? Yes, if I can’t think of a funnier slogan.

Don’t be Mean in 2013

That’s not funny in the slightest, but it would probably a good resolution. What’s that mean? That means: NEXT!

Read Like a Preteen in 2013

This is the most doable so far of all of my resolutions. In 2012 I read the Hunger Games books very quickly. With this resolution I could feel like an avid reader due to the number of books I could read without having the burden of having to use my brain.

Be Green for 3013

See what I did there? It’s a 2013 resolution, but … see, by being green I’d be saving the world for another … ah, whatever. One simple change/”resolution” I made in late 2011 was to use less paper towels when drying my hands in public restrooms. All you do is shake your hands a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. So simple!

Make Being a Badass Routine in 2013

BOOM! I don’t know how I’m going to do this, which makes it perfect for a New Year’s resolution. It’s vague so I can say anything accomplishes this resolution.

“Hey, did you actually stick to your resolution?”
“Me?, yeah, heck yeah. I committed to being a badass and you know what? I did that. I didn’t change a thing about me to better myself, which shows I’m confident in who I am, so that’s pretty B.A. dude.”
“Sounds like you’re just lazy and self-congratulating.”
“I know. B.A., right?”

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