The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘book’

Quotes of the Day!

The following are quotes from The Pirates! in an Adventure with Communists by Gideon Defoe. The first quote is on page 1, the book starts dumb/stupid/awesome and ends that way.

 

The pirates were sat in the boat’s kitchen arguing over what the proper protocol was for dealing with a drunken pirate. After the debate about whether sea anemones made better pretend mustaches or better pretend eyebrows when you stuck them to your face, this was easily the pirates’ favorite topic of conversation.

 

They deliberately parked across two disabled spaces, because that kind of behavior was pretty much the whole point of being a pirate.

 

‘I’m fluent, thank you. Almost like a native,’ said the Captain, with a scowl. The Pirate Captain knew the French for ‘This is a pretty donkey’ and also ‘This is not a pretty donkey’, and he couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t either a pretty donkey or not a pretty donkey, so that was just about every eventuality covered.

 

‘You know when the Pirate Captain says something like, “I may lead a secret double life as a spy? Or maybe I don’t. Who’s to say?’ and then he arches an eyebrow? That’s enigmatic.’
‘Ah. I always thought that was just annoying.’

 

 

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Quotes of the Day!

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My Zombie Roomy (12/20/11)

I racked my brain quite a bit about a gift for the Zombie. It’s incredibly tough.

First of all – communication with this fella is, to say the least, sparse.

Sure, the obvious thing would be to get him brains but … I don’t really like to go for the obvious gift. For tough gift-receivers I will … and this one is a tough one. But here’s trouble numero dos, where do I get brains?

Moving past obvious then … onto weird, but fun. The Zombie is one hard dude to read. Did he like that song? When it was playing he scratched his hand and a finger looked like it almost fell off. Then he chuckled, licked his finger and starting gnawing on my copy of Game of Thrones. From what I can tell he is completely content in any situation.

Bah!

Anyway … whatever, I ended up with a grab bag of gifts. Here we go:

  • Duct tape (if a body part falls off, he’s covered)
  • A new, used copy of a Terry Brooks book (you’d think I was crazy but I swear he only gnaws on fantasy-based books)
  • A framed picture of Scarlett Johansson (it’s a gift for both he and I)
  • I bought some old clothes that in my opinion smell like death – thought it might be like a sort of potpourri for him

Hope he likes something in this set? Let me know if you think of something to add last minute!

P.S. I googled “Scarlett Johansson where she doesn’t look hot” and Google’s response was to play a laugh track … weird!

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My Zombie Roomy

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Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

“How would you like to LOOK and FEEL better!?!?!”
“As a hobby, I hate myself, so that would be bad.”

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“Excuse me sir … excuse me …”
(Mistake of acknowledging the mall kiosk person exists.)
“Do you celebrate Christmas?”
“Nope.”

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(Cute salesgirl approaches …)
“Are you looking for anything in particular?”
“Do you know which section a book by <Insert author that I think she might like> would be?”

—

“You know that’s a woman’s sweater …?”
“Yeah! Hahaha! … It’s for … My girlfriend … She’s built like me? … Or … Uh … Shoot.”

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