The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘shopping’

Christmas Shopping Help

Christmas is fast approaching and you’ve got some of your shopping done but you’re still missing gifts for a few people. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re the people who are the most difficult to buy for.

Don’t worry. We here at DumbFunnery have scoured the internet, obtained access to your emails, stalked your social media posts and know an alarming amount about you and your family. Not as much as Google knows about you, or Facebook, but still an unsettling amount.

Your Dad
Membership to the ‘Show Us You’re Nuts’ club which sends various nuts and inappropriate jokes every month

Your Mom
A punching bag, trust us, she needs this

Your Neighbor Who Did You That Big Favor and You’re Like, Do We Get Them Something?
A framed photo of you in a crop top

Your Brother-in-Law
A couple thousand dollars would save him from a broken leg, otherwise some good magazines to read in the hospital

Your Great Uncle Smimby
Monogrammed hand towels, and the nice thing is he’s not terribly concerned about if they are his initials or not

There you go, friends. Merry Christmas from us here at DumbFunnery.

Attn: Ellen (12/14/16)

Front

ellen290a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

ellen290b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

With Christmas fast approaching and shopping areas turning into horrifying parking experiences wrought with feelings where you smash the palms of your hands into your eyes as though that’ll help – I’d recommend people have nature documentaries … wait no, those can be depressing … How about just pretty pictures of animals? Have those at the ready. See, isn’t life better just remembering how pretty things can be?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
Card via underatreeprints.com

Why am I doing this?

Flea Market

A trip to the flea market inevitably brings boredom, delight, amusement, and occasionally fear. Who are these people that own so many framed clown prints? Why?

Things I Regret Not Buying

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Something I now WON’T overhear at the office? “Hey did you see the new guy has a Burger King toy? I told you he has potential.” Opportunity missed.

Things I Do NOT Regret Not Buying

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I don’t need a guide to cooking food I don’t want to eat.

 

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Hey darling! Remember when you said you wanted to have more unsettling, unnerving dreams? I found the PERFECT thing for our bedroom!

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Rejected (barely) Trump slogan.

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You can’t tell but the clown is blocking the letters ‘O’, ‘R’, ‘T.’ Look into that bear’s eyes and tell me he’s not afraid.

 

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