The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘hair’

My Zombie Roomy (7/7/11)

This could be bad.

I was watching Wolf, starring Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer, and suddenly the Zombie sat bolt upright.

If I had been Scooby Doo I would’ve said, “ruh roh.” I’m not Scooby Doo, so instead I said the human, four-letter equivalent of “ruh roh.”

That’s when the Zombie tried to howl like a wolf. It was like watching a cat bark. Not natural, but kind of funny. Only most barking cats don’t get up, walk out of your apartment, and disappear into the woods for a few days and come back with hair glued all over their clothes.

So I guess the Zombie is pretending to be a werewolf for a while? Let’s hope it’s a short phase, I keep having to vacuum and it is so annoying.

Charlie Sheen’s Most Supreme Body Part

Which Body Part is Charlie Sheen’s Best?

 

 

Sorry for the crappy picture quality … (here’s the text)

Knee

“Dude don’t get me started on – WHOAAAAA I just cured cancer. Then I time traveled to everywhere and stopped cancer from even existing.”

 

Teeth

I remember one time I was gnawing on one of my arms (possibly someone else’s arm?) and I had to stop and just admire myself for a second because without thinking about it I had also chewed off 3 or 4 legs. Can your teeth do that? NO.

 

You Know …

Try this on for size – Charlie as a whole is an F-16. Ok. Fine. That’s good. Know what I am? I am your recurring nightmare wrapped in silk and piloting the Death Star without even trying and when I do try, man, you have to watch out because life. can’t. handle. this. Ohmigod I just invented gravity again. Now it travels at 9.9 meters per second squared. Feel heavier? Sorry, deal with it. I already adjusted and broke all Carl Lewis’ records in track and field.

 

Right Eye

Looked into your soul. Got bored. Created a new soul for you. Actually somewhat worse than your previous soul – sorry.

 

Knee

You know that feeling when you’re coked up and you can’t remember if you’re talking to a hooker or a nightstand and so you just kind of hold money out and hope for the best and then show that hooker/nightstand the night of its life? That’s how I feel ALL THE TIME.

 

Upper Thigh

I have to invent new words sometimes because the english language was invented by fools and tyrants and shquandlos and God I’m just wyxlam you know? Oh no you don’t because you’re inferior. Wait. Reading this temporarily made you better than me but then I created another version of myself, killed that version and again made myself the supreme being.

 

Heart

I WILL REIGN DOWN UPON YOU MY SUPERIOR INFINITENESS OF SANDWICH-LIKE MAGNIFICENCE! I AM TALKING CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICHES HERE TOO SO YOU KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS. LIKE WITH CUT-UP WALNUTS AND MAYBE SOME GRAPES AND LIKE THE BEST BREAD IMAGINABLE. BOOM SANDWICH TIME.

 

Hair

I’ve seen things man. I’ve seen things you can’t imagine and I just dance in the wind and meanwhile you’re all just sitting there contemplating about dinner. Dinner? Seriously? I had seven dinners already today because time stops and starts at my whim and oh I’m so effing whimsical today man.

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