The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dog’

WELCOME HOME! … From Your Dog’s Perspective

Recently I was thinking about the range of emotions a dog must experience as soon as it’s mom/dad/master/owner (whatever category of dog owner you consider yourself) gets home. It must be pretty crazy.

Think about it, imagine if your BEST FRIEND in the WHOLE WORLD for some GOD FORSAKEN REASON locked you in a small apartment with no bathroom and then left for eight plus hours most days of the week … Can you imagine how excited you’d be when he/she got home? You’d be stir-crazy, a little loopy from being alone all day with no one to talk to, and … you would have to use the bathroom in ways that would make communicating your need almost impossible.

It’s pretty incredible dogs have pure love for their food-providers/captors/best friends/bathroom-withholding tormenters.

Here we go, the breakdown of a dog’s emotions:

  1. 100% excitement at seeing you, so much excitement that their body cannot be in one place at one time, it needs to be everywhere at all times
  2. 100% excitement knowing that dinner is coming up
  3. 100% excitement that they will get to go outside to clear up some space for dinner … (hey, it’s true)
  4. 100% excitement that they can finally stop sitting around being bored and finally doing something awesome like sit around beside you while you watch TV – HELL YEAH ADVENTURE!
  5. 100% excitement that they can tell you about this dream they had … wait … the dog is having trouble expressing him/herself … allow the pooch to just run in small circles in front of you to convey the deep psychological meanings of the dream

Appreciate dogs, folks. Because if you left me home alone like that I would be giving you a silent treatment, sulking in one corner (what’s in the other corner?) … and there’s no way I could’ve held it. Get the Spot treatment out.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Keeping Up With the Latest in Entertainment

On Netflix instant play they now have The X-Files. What a show, am I right!?

I didn’t watch The X-Files when it first came on TV because, frankly, it scared me. And you know what? It still kind of scares me.

I remember living in Kansas, hanging out in the basement playing the game Myst on the family computer and my brother and sister watching The X-Files. The soundtrack for that show made the game creepy to me. I can’t think of the game Myst without still getting an unsettling, creeped out vibe (Myst is a game where you solve puzzles, there are no other characters – so it’s really not the best candidate for being creepy).

While I was in college my dog and I went to my family’s cabin for a week, and it was glorious. Just Chaser and I hanging out, reading, taking naps, going on walks, eating junk food (me, not her). I look up at that time with the happiest of memories. Except for one day. One unfortunate day.

An X-Files marathon was on TV. I sat down and started watching and oh, they were good episodes. (Weren’t they all!) Chaser was dreaming of the squirrels that were outside eating from the bird feeder (my grandma hated those squirrels) and I was watching episode after episode. Then something unfortunate happened: the sun set. Suddenly those four or five episodes were a terrible idea. Because you know what’s creepy? Episodes that start in the woods somewhere with an alien or some mutated human thing and you’re watching the show BY YOURSELF (Chaser was the opposite of a guard dog) in the woods!

I decided to start watching something else, but the damage was done. I grabbed a golf club and everywhere I went, the golf club came too. Anytime Chaser heard something and her little ears perked up, the golf club was at the ready. It was a long night.

Anywho … I’m now watching this show from the beginning and I really like it. Although it still kind of scares me. One unfortunate, unexpected side-effect is I want to talk about it with people. The problem is most people won’t want to talk about this crazy episode from 1992. This reminds me of a Jim Gaffigan bit.

See you later, blogosphere, I’m going back to The X-Files!

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Weekly Wacko

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Stupid Halloween Costume Ideas for … A Couple, With a Dog

Recently I saw my friend Barry at an awesome Houston event, Grown-Up Story Time. (People submit stories, other people read them, you drink a beer, you chill, you laugh, la la lovely.)

After the event, Barry informed me of her and her boyfriend’s Halloween costumes. She’s going to a party with the theme, “A Night in Tijuana” and their costumes will be that the boyfriend is a cowboy, and she is a giant pistol. They’re odd, which is why I like them.

I suggested, because I have a dumb sense of humor, that her dog be a giant shell from a gun. Her boyfriend could pick her up, pretend to shoot, and she would chuck the dog to the floor like a discarded shell. Brilliant addition to that plan, right?

I don’t have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or dog, but I do have free time. So I took the liberty of informing Barry of other stupid Halloween costume ideas for the three of them. I’ll start with boring, and go quickly to weird …

The dog: A hot dog (clever)
Barry: Ketchup
The boyfriend: Mustard

The dog: A giant joint
Barry: Cheech
The boyfriend: Chong

The dog: Spiderman’s web spray
Barry: Mary Jane
The boyfriend: Spiderman (Just because it’s funny to me to picture him randomly tossing the dog as though he’s web slinging)

The dog: An orca
Barry: Free spirit activist
The boyfriend: A native American hunter

And to still have one with “classic” slutty Halloween costumes …

The Dog: Naughty bodily expulsion (Grosssss)
Barry: Naughty nurse
The Boyfriend: Naughty Doctor

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Du Jour of the Week

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