The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

And I’d Say to the Aliens

The Aliens had been on Earth a few weeks, and countless people had been brought to them to answer their question but still no one could do it.

The media was in a frenzy over trying to figure out what was happening. They had heard about a question, but it was only rumor. There was debate over if there really was a question, which side was asking the question, if the aliens were even real, and on and on.

Somehow I was called in as someone who might have the answer.

I approached the Alien mothership with fear, reverence, and curiosity.

The Aliens, I learned, had studied Earth. They had studied humans. They had studied our history, our culture, our contradictions, our common hopes and dreams and fears.

And they understood us more than we understood ourselves.

But.

They didn’t understand one concept: loneliness.

I laughed as I said, don’t worry about it guys. I’ve got your answer.

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This simple display at Costco answered the aliens question – what is loneliness?

 

P.S. Happy New Year’s, all. I hope you won’t be spending the night eating a family sized summer sausage by yourself.

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If My Name Was Cloris Nightborne

I don’t know with absolute certainty, but I feel 97% confident that if my name was Cloris Nightborne I’d be a burglar. And a magician.

I would be a pretty good magician, no, scratch that, pretty DARN good, and I would be THE guy rich people would call to have come to their parties to perform magic. Sure, I’d go, I’d impress everyone, I’d banter with the best, and I’d be on my way.

Oh, what’s that, you expected me to have robbed someone of some expensive jewelry before leaving? No, come on, I’d obviously be caught. A set of homes where I am the only common denominator? What do you think this is, open mic night?

Nope. I’d be a bank robber. Way more high profile, and I could show off my magic while robbing people. ‘Excuse me miss, I’ll take all of those coins … OUT OF YOUR EAR!’

I’m driving home having changed out of my robbing clothes and into something a little more snappy smart, and a cop flashes his lights behind me.

I stop my car and wait, wondering, is today the day?

The cop leaves his car and puts his gun up, yelling, ‘Mr. Cloris – I know you’re the magic burglar!’ After a long, cautious and safe approach, I’d be in handcuffs and the cop would sigh loudly.

“Long day?” I’d ask casually.
“Oh, Mr. Cloris – you won’t believe how exciting it is for me to capture you. I don’t like you breaking the law, but I have to say, I’m a huge fan.”
“Oh, always nice to meet a fan.” I’d turn to face him, smiling, my hands handcuffed behind my back.
“Yeah, see, I was there for one of your robberies when I was a kid. You had a deck of cards and you said to this guy, ‘pick a card, any card!’ so the guy took one and you had someone else shuffle the deck, and then another guy cut the deck, and then a lady shuffled again … and then you were like … is THIS YOUR CARD … and you pulled the guys credit card out of the middle of the deck of cards!”
“Oh yeah, I remember that.” I’d say this fondly.
“Yeah, it was super cool! You even high-fived me!”
“Say,” I’d say, “do you want to see a magic trick now?”

The cop would pause then, knowing this was probably against protocol but …

“Are these your handcuffs?” I would turn slightly so he could see my hands handcuffed.
“Yeah!”
“Are THESE your handcuffs!?” I’d say, turning back to show that I was no longer in the handcuffs but holding them.
“YEAH!”
“ARE THESE YOUR HANDCUFFS!?” I’d say, pointing with perhaps a trifle too much nonchalance at his hands, now handcuffed.
“WOW! YEAH!!!”

It turns out a few days later he’d be fired, turns out he was monumentally incompetent.

But hey, that’s just a day in the life of … CLORIS NIGHTBORNE!

Also in case you are wondering I’d have a once a month conversation with my parents where I’d ask why on earth they named me Cloris.

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Fan Mail + Working Out

Dear DumbFunnery,

Do you have any thoughts or advice about working out?

Sincerely,
Fictional Reader

Hey Fictional Reader, thanks for writing in. As always, feel free, dear readers, to hit me with questions at my Facebook page (though I’d likely never see it), Twitter, comments on posts, or email (DumbFunnery@gmail.com).

It’s cold where I live now (having come from Houston and now living in Colorado – I laugh at my previous definition of cold) and excuses during winter time are easy to find. Sure, those excuses might take different forms like a tough day at work, getting home too late, being hungry for dinner already, etc, but I think right now the only real reasons I am opting out of jogs are – it’s dark early, and it’s so dang cold.

Here are my rules for myself when it comes to working out.

1 – Have a plan

  • That’s not just what I am doing today, but what I am doing for the course of a month, or longer. Ideally, there is a goal I am working to – some 5k or half-marathon.
  • I think a plan is important because it’s easy to work out once and then reward yourself with a day or two off, which can easily change into a resolution to start working out the first day of the next month.
  • If you set realistic goals (realistic meaning not too much progress, goal means yes you have to be uncomfortable and push yourself) then you have a course of action to follow.

2 – Remove any available excuse you think you might use

  • Life happens, and sometimes you stay at work til 6 when you’d planned to leave at 4:30. If you still work out that day even though you wanted to start your work out at 4:45 or 5? Phew, good on you. Did you have one of those truly awful days of work? Are you upset over news, or celebrating some news? I get it, it’s easy to pass on the work out and pay attention to that.
  • But if life happens regularly, and if you often come home a bit later than planned or have something unexpected pop up at a regular rate, or are generally home too happy or annoyed to work out … it’s time to start planning for that.
  • It is very easy to come up with an excuse for taking the day off, and so you’ll need to put some practices in place to limit the availability of those excuses.
    • Work too late regularly? Bring a banana for a late afternoon snack
    • Worn down/annoyed/whatever after work? Time to try working out before work (or embrace the fact that a post-work workout wipes out stress like a champ)
    • Too cold out? Start pinching pennies until you can afford some running tights and a balaclava (actually I use a neck gaiter, but balaclava is more fun to say)
    • Weather is just intolerable for outdoor workouts? Find a gym you can afford, or find some workouts for inside your home.
    • Know that you just can’t do this alone? Find a buddy. Don’t have one? Hit me up (see above) and I’ll check in on you to see what you’re doing, or if you’re not doing it what your excuses are, and then we can gameplan together on how to reduce those

 

That’s it friends. It’s winter, it’s the holidays, it’s the perfect time to chow down on good food. Why not make it tastier with a workout?

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1 – Pull that puppy up around your nose and oh life is good; 2 – The minus 33 neck gaiter is what I use and it’s delightful; 3 – I think I look cooler than this guy when I wear mine

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