The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

DumbFunnery’s Guide to Accomplishing Nothing

Written on my dear, comfortable couch on Sunday around lunch time while my dear wife is finishing up some “toasty turkeys” (turkey sandwiches that are thrown in the toaster oven for a bit to melt the cheese).

Step 1: Sit on a couch next to your spouse (or someone)

Step 2: That someone is watching a show you don’t care about but it’s stupid reality TV which is addicting and also it’s ridiculous and the comedy is hidden everywhere (the reactions, the phrasing, the heightened drama over small things, the catty talk, the way how in every episode someone says “this challenge is really personal to me” … I’m talking about Project Runway by the way)

Step 3: Sip coffee in the morning, sip water in the afternoon

Step 4: This is important: do ONE productive thing right off the bat in the morning (in my case, read some of a coding book or go for a long jog) … This enables you to feel like you’ve earned a little rest which turns into WHAT IT’S FIVE PM?! Well … what should we do for dinner? And then it’s time to watch NHL playoffs and whadya know, the day’s done, just push those to do list items til tomorrow

Step 5: Gotta go, they’re about to kick off someone

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Squatter’s Writes

A friend of mine might be joining a band, so I went ahead and wrote a song for him to dazzle his new bandmates. It’s called Squatter’s Writes.

 

Squatter’s Writes

(to the tune of Bye, Bye Miss American Pie)
Many, many moons ago
There lived a man who you might know
His name was Henry David Thoreau
And he wrote this book while feeling … the flow

(A slow-moving, reflection kind of tone)
When nature speaks you shut up and listen
If you don’t your brow will glisten
Dig a hole in the ground
Let your imagination go to great heights
Because buddy, pal, my main muchacho,
We’re talking ‘bout Squatter’s Writes

(A mix of country and rap, a crap if you will)
While writing Walden HDT only ate prunes
He kept a journal out in a field
He wore wool socks to keep warm at night
Talking to himself was more than all right
He’d sit there answering nature’s call
Reflecting, and writing, about it all

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Plants for World Domination

To Whom it May Concern:

Yesterday (May 3, 2015) a personal ad I had paid for was in the paper but it had an IMPORTANT TYPO. I would like a FULL REFUND or the ad placed again in next Sunday’s paper.

To be fair, I will pay half the price to place the ad again because I actually got some useful information about ill-intentioned plants from two of the three people who responded to my ad. Below, please find the ad. Might I suggest a simple COPY AND PASTE to avoid TYPOS. Note also that the first word is PLANS and not PLANTS.

Thank you,
Berthel Seymour

PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
Seeking individuals with GRAND IDEAS, leadership abilities and knowledge of how to run the world better. Please be ruthless cutthroat and driven BUT loyal to me (I can’t execute my plans with fear of being backstabbed literally or figuratively). Speaking of stabbing please be good with knives.
Contact me at bertyseymourxoxo@aol.com. The world awaits!!

The might saguaro – one of five evil plants I now know about.

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