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Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

A good friend of mine, Juicebox, is going to the World Cup. It’s going to be fantastic, but the other day he pointed out something to me:

Everyone keeps saying, some jokingly and some not, warnings about riots.

First of all, as with almost everything in life, it’s all about preparation. In addition to packing shorts, good walking shoes, shirts, your team’s gear, etc, why not pack a few riot shields? Maybe a gas mask and Kevlar body armor too. Sure it may raise a few eyebrows at the airport (possibly prevent you from flying?) but whenever security asks you a question about your frighteningly heavy suitcase respond coolly “takes one to know one.”

Riot police, or prepared-for-the-worst soccer fans?

I’ve heard rumor of riot police using tear gas, so bring a lot of tissues. If you’re short on money, toilet paper works. You’ll be a crowd favorite when they’re getting “handled” by the police and you hand out items to deal with the waterworks.

Also, bring extra underwear. Just trust me on this. Lastly, get a lot of pictures of attractive people and cute animals on your phone. This will help with the flight and also it comes into play in a riot.

(In case riot police are reading this: The movie Up is a much less expensive way to induce tears. Plus it has the added benefit of teaching people about love.)

That’s enough talk of prep – let’s get to the good stuff.

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

1 – Stay calm. If you can’t, go ahead and crap your pants, that way you are forced to stay calm because no adult in their right mind is going to be running/jumping/moving about with all that going on in their underroos.

2 – Use soothing tones, maybe just make cooing noises. Picture the rioting people, or police in head-to-toe riot gear, as an angry dog. If you have food, shake it with good intentions toward the face of the rioter/police. For the sake of a good sound, I’d recommend a box of crackers. (It sounds like an edible puzzle!)

3 – Get your phone out and start showing people around you the pictures of attractive people or animals. Take a look at who is around you and use your best guess to determine what they would like. Here are some tips:

a. If the person near you is a guy who has ripped off his shirt only to reveal an underwhelming lack of diet or workout concerns, try a picture of a mostly naked lady

b. If the person near you is a motherly figure who looks like she could kill with her eyes, try a picture of Matthew McConaughey

c. If it’s a cop, try a picture of a kitten cuddling with a puppy sleeping on TOP of a large dog (Talk about adorable!)

4 – Walk with confidence toward the nearest baby. No one (police or rioters) wants to hurt a baby and have that clip playing 24×7 on the news. Just hang out near the baby. The animal pictures, food, and messy pants will all endear you to the kiddo so you’ve got yourself a new buddy.

 

Good luck Juicebox. With my pro tips in mind, everything will be just fine.

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Green Light, Red Light

A child is given a bicycle and as a consequence is filled with joy. Later that day the bicycle is stolen.

A teenager is waiting anxiously to get back a test to see the grade. A test is delivered to their desk with a grade of 97, inwardly this young adult is beaming, with such pride and relief that the individual fails to recognize that the name on the top of the test is not theirs. When the mistake is corrected a grade of 72 is what is greeting this poor soul.

A young adult is told of a new position at work that will involve more responsibility, more exposure and more pay. The ambitious young worker looks forward to the position with concern but an attitude full of eagerness and desire to prove oneself. The position is instead given to a relative of the manager.

Nearing the twilight of a long and fruitful career, a well-handled mid-life crisis leads one individual to finally buy an affordable dream home. The seller finds a renewed love of their home when seeing the way the potential buyer sees the home, and reneges on the deal.

You are sitting in traffic and the first car at the light is still just sitting there, WHAT IS YOUR DEAL GUY, at a green light, ARE YOU SERIOUS GO!?, maybe this person is used to the old adage, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”

Green Light, Red Light.

But seriously dude, let’s go, I know drivings not a race but you are driving me batty here. Oh great it’s already yellow.

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A Letter to the Deftones

Dear Deftones,

How are you today? I hope you are well. I wanted to write to express a few concerns I have and I even have a suggestion! Of course you are free to ignore it but maybe I will be like that little girl who supposedly wrote Lincoln about his mustache and I can help lead you to even greater things.

Note: I am not a little girl, nor do I sometimes think I am.

On Saturday, May 31st, I saw you perform live in Houston at the Free Press Summer Fest (FPSF). One good note: the crowd seemed to love you. Another good note: You did not accidentally say “hello Boston!” or “how’s everyone feeling, Alberta?”

I was at the concert because my fiance is a fan, so I have the benefit of an outsiders perspective here.

At one point my fiance turned to me and said, “oh this was my favorite song when I was in high school!” and I said, “this is a different song than the last one?” Sure, YOU might not find this funny, and neither did anyone else around me … But let me explain the joke! I said this because you seem to scream a lot. Do you lack confidence in your singing voice? Try some lessons. Maybe you’re already a good singer and are screaming as a rebellion against your parents? Try therapy. Whatever it is, we can get you singing lyrics in no time!

My concern is this: are you not aware of different state’s laws concerning marijuana? I ask because at one point you said, “smoke more weed, mother f***ers” (by the way, language, mister!). If you had been playing in Colorado, this would be ok, it’s no different than saying “eat more apples, mother f***ers” (maybe a little strong of a healthy suggestion, but apples ARE delicious). What I’m getting at is that in Texas recreational marijuana use is still not legal, so just keep that in mind!

But hey, if you are comfortable with who you are, by all means, keep at it!

Sincerely,

DumbFunnery.com

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