The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Outsmarting Nature

In preparation for a camping trip I recently took I managed to outsmart nature with some pretty clever tricks. Here are just three examples of my flashes of brilliance:

1. I shaved all of the hair off my body. All of it. Animals are no dummies, predatory ones would take one look at my abnormal, hairless self and think, “that stuff looks like it’s gone bad. That is not good eatin.'”

2. I used a photo editor to create images of terrifying animals, I printed those out, and then I hung them around the campsite. Animals, seeing these images, would know to flee. The most intimidating one was either the shark with burly human legs or the 10,000 pound duckbill platypus. (I had a note on the picture indicating the scale. The animals probably sensed that rather than actually read it.)

3. In true freak-out-like-that-scene-in-Predator-style, I would randomly shoot about 300 bullets at anything around me while shrieking in pure fear.

You will be happy to know I survived the camping trip.

Experienced Camper

If this isn’t the look of someone who knows what he’s doing … Then it’s a picture of me.

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Du Jour of the Week, Pictures

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Little Known Cooking Terms

Create a 14 step scavenger hunt where the key to the 7th clue is cloves. This will create the desired “hint of cloves.” Note: Some say it doesn’t matter if you complete the whole scavenger hunt, but let me put it this way: Tyler Perry always completes the scavenger hunt.

Kill a lobster, preferably from Maine in the late May timeframe, chop off one of its claws and use that to get a “pinch of salt.”

Read the telecast of a President Barack Obama speech and white out parts that confuse you, or that you disagree with. Consider if what you are doing is foolish, weird, or racist, while crushing garlic. Sit down and enjoy your undertones of racist garlic adorning your hot dog, or whatever.

Go to a party and find the conversation where the sharpest dressed person is talking to someone your mother would frown upon. These are the two smartest people at the party and they are either having an intelligent conversation about government-funded scientific endeavors or the game Mouse Trap. Gradually change the conversation to Val Kilmer and reference the movie Top Gun. As smart as these two brainiacs are, they will know this is a subtle nod to oregano. Flee the party, your meal can now be served.

Turn the lights low in your kitchen, put on some heavily underrated Yani music and seductively whisper the word cinnamon to your food to obtain the too often neglected “whisper of cinnamon.”

Call your friend Doug who plays bass in a really bad band that somehow gets gigs. Ask him if he knows any “smooth musicians” (also acceptable: magicians). Doug will get back to you eventually and inevitably end up knowing someone who goes by the nickname ‘basil” (if it’s a white male, he plays the bass, if it’s a female or minority he or she plays the flute). Listen to some of “basil’s” music while … Oh wait the recipe calls for a note of basil? I’m pretty sure that’s made up.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Bantering Brad’s Super Sale

I am not good at doing anything musical – but I do know I like to make up fake facts and stories.

That’s why I would like to advertise my services as a guy who will write the little banter between songs that explains the inspiration for the upcoming song, and as a bonus I’ll throw in the title of the song too.

Here’s just a sampling of my wares:

I was playing some gigs in Texas and one morning I got a couple kolaches from a gas station in New Braunsfels and they didn’t sit well with me. This next song is about that it’s called “Life is Risk.”

Recently I had a very vivid dream about the John Steinback novel The Red Pony. I hadn’t read it in more than 15 years but the dream was powerful so this one is called: “Killer Horseshoe.”

Heartbreak is a double edged sword. It is the fire that burns your heart to the ground, giving the nutrients for a springtime blossoming of feelings to emerge after time has passed. This song is about my ex, our break up, and moving on, it’s called, “I hope you get trampled by a gang of midget ponies you ass face.”

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Du Jour of the Week

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