The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Pavlov’s Prison

Sheriff Joe was a cruel, cruel man. Well, unless you asked him. In that case he was a clever S.O.B. with a twisted sense of humor. If you asked one of his inmates though, he was a cruel, cruel man.

“Let’s think about the facts – most prisoners are men. Men commit more violent crimes. And this idea, frankly, is geared toward men.”

The inmates hated it but what was the other option, to avoid it altogether?

“I got the idea one night when my wife, Ava Maria, she was watching some documentary on that fella Pavlov. He had the dogs. And they’d go crazy for bells. I thought about it, and I decided I could use that for the benefit of society.” Then Joe adds with a laugh, “Not bells, exactly, of course.”

The declaration came out, conjugal visits would be allowed, but there was a certain drawback.

During the course of the visit, a police siren will play the whole time in the conjugal trailer.

Joey Lawrence, 36, summed up his and the rest of the prisoners reactions with one word – “Wow.”

“I figure,” Joe says with a grin, “It’ll be awful damn hard to run from the cops with an erection. And hey, maybe it’ll make some of these fellas come to appreciate the police in a whole new way.”

Celebrity Comparison

Recently I went on a date. It went ok. (Except for the incredibly awkward ending where her ex came in with the girl he left her for – and they’d apparently gone on a date at that SAME PLACE just ONE month ago – and she ended up saying an awkward hello to him … yep.)

Something (else) funny happened on the date, though.

I went to the restroom (I have the bladder of a pregnant woman) and came back to the table. When I sat down she greeted me with a question along these lines,

“Have you ever been compared to a celebrity?”

Oh no. My brain immediately goes to oh no when someone brings this up.

“Um … why do you ask?” I say, probably showing amusement and concern on my opposite-of-poker-face.
“Who have you been compared to?”
“I don’t want to say … it might sway it …”
“Michael Cera.”

Yep. Michael Cera. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s awesome. I’m a huge fan of Arrested Development and Scott Pilgrim. He is one funny dude. But, I think a lot of the humor from him comes from the fact that he’s so awkward. Also, although it’s weird to say this about another fella, I think he’s charming because he’s so disarming. So, I usually take this as a mixed bag compliment. But, really, I have gotten the comparison a number of times. And on dates, too.

There I am, trying to be funny and charming and cool, and they say, “ok, Cera.”

BUT! This time I got some good advice from The Storyteller:

“Start coming up with an immediate funny comparison comeback that leaves her thinking hey he really is a witty, funny guy and humble too.”

That is much better than my usual response of shrugging and saying, “yeah … ok.”

So if there’s a girl out there who likes the awkward charm of a three-legged puppy – give me a call some time.

Attn: Ellen (6/27/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Don’t be fooled by these adorable tigers. They’re diabolical. Right now they’re plotting the destruction of Hopes and Dreams.

Not the concepts … they’re parakeets, named “Hopes” and “Dreams.” They’re REALLY annoying.

I’m actually in on the diabolic plot with them. They’re as evil as they are adorable!

Wish us luck!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I sending these postcards?