The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Indulgence 5000

Stressed out? Overworked? Need a break? Due for some relaxation? Overwhelmed by life?

Try relaxing to the maxing with the INDULGENCE 5000!

This new model comes with:

  • PS4 or Xbox 1
    • Comes with one controller and one game of your choice (not to exceed 60 dollars)
  • Exceedingly comfortable chair
    • Warning: You may never want to move again
  • Feed bag allowing you to do things (like playing video games) while eating, pre-stocked with a milkshake version of the number 10 at Taco Bell
  • Drink tube, full of Mountain Dew, with shoulder harness
  • 10 pack of adult diapers
  • 10 pack of XL wet wipes
  • When purchasing the Indulgence 5000, record several voicemails, these will be delivered to your mom’s phone once every three days
    • Prevents the family from knowing you have embraced the state of a wallowing farm animal

 

Don’t hesitate. Get the INDULGENCE 5000 … TODAY!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (10/14/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

My wife did lots of prep work for our recent trip to Peru. She found a trek company for our hike to Machu Picchu, a nice area to stay in Lima, and she brushed up on her Spanish.

BUT, neither of us were prepared for breakfast accompanied by Michael Jackson’s greatest hits … in bossa nova form. No one can (or should) train to handle that.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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If I Was a WWE Wrestler

All fear the mighty APOCALIPS! Woe, woe, ye who defy me cry out in fear, agony, and dare I say, a trifle excitement? For I AM APOCALIPS! The wrestler who pins, smashes, mauls, maims, destroys, crushes, humiliates, and smooches.

YES! FEAR ME!

Note, you plebian, insular, simple-minded mongrels. NOTE I SAY. Note my bombastic biceps, my people-pleasing pectorals, my absurdly awesome abdominals, my thoroughly thick thighs, my catastrophically kick-tush calves, and my luscious lips. These are the lips you have heard of, the lips that have not gone for more than an hour without having a fresh coat of Blistex applied. Lips so soft, so kissable, so intoxicating to behold … that they could only signal … THE END OF DAYS.

Hark! What happens there? In the corner of the ring!? COULD THAT BEEEEE?

Lo, it is. My oldest foe … The aggravatingly short man who won’t let things go, who specializes in the trifling, the insignificant, the unimportant … Who works in a salon by day, wrestles by night, and haunts dreams incessantly … Known only as the the PETTY-CURIST!

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Du Jour of the Week

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