The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘ex’

Weekly Wacko (65)

Do These Glasses Make Me Look Stupid?

It turns out that people get glasses for a reason. I don’t know, though, I’m still testing this.

In high school I was involved in you-name-it-I’m-in-it club. This was for the almighty get into a good college nonsense. One of these clubs involved volunteering.

At some point I was signed up to go bag groceries at a grocery store. It was for the March of Dimes. After bagging someone’s groceries I would smilingly say, “I’m bagging groceries for the March of Dimes, if you have any spare change …” Or something along those lines.

I figured bagging groceries didn’t require 20-20 vision, so I left my glasses in my car.

A good friend and I head to the grocery store, it is close to where he lives and he was just as involved in clubs so he figured why not. I am assigned an aisle and I am ready to rumble!

Let’s bring this mess on so I can BAG IT UP!

Unfortunately it is slow-moving that day – hardly anybody is coming through. When people do come through they give me nothing. I may as well have been saying, “I’m bagging groceries for my crack addiction, if you have any spare change …”

During the lulls I debate talking to the clerk. She is a pretty cute girl, I think. Again, not wearing my glasses. But I can be awfully shy and instead look around during the lulls, pretending to be deep in thought.

With about fifteen minutes left a woman comes along and asks for a pack of cigarettes. I stare at her. The clerk stares at me. The woman stares at me. The clerk asks if I will go get the cigarettes (they were behind some counter). I gladly comply – why didn’t they just ask in the first place instead of staring at me! (Like I’m not already awkward enough.)

After I get the cigarettes I come back and hand them to the clerk. She says, “thanks, Brad.”


How does she know my name?

I …

Oh …

Oh no …


I dated one girl in high school. It was an odd relationship that ended on a weird note. This clerk, as luck would have it, happened to be my one ex-girlfriend.

I had just been standing FIVE FEET AWAY FROM MY EX-GIRLFRIEND for about … oh … an hour and forty-five minutes … and I didn’t say a word.

I sincerely hope she caught the surprised look on my face and remembered that I ordinarily wore glasses. If it was me I would’ve assumed the worst and thought I was just some horribly mean person who couldn’t even say hello.

Thankfully I left very soon after that.

I don’t think I said anything before I left – too busy yelling at myself for not wearing glasses and doing that community service in the first place and then for walking away without saying goodbye (I started yelling at myself for this as soon as I turned my back and started to walk).

Glasses, huh? They are a tricky friend.

Want another example of a glasses-free bit of idiocy? Click here.

Arby’s Love

I’m walking back from class one day to my apartment when a truck pulls up and parks semi in my path. First allow me to describe the area a little better. I am walking on a sidewalk which has a fence on one end (behind the fence are intramural fields) and on the other end the sidewalk has parking spaces which run perpendicular. So in order to “semi” block my path you just pull your car up a little too far into the parking space. Ok, to continue.

In the car sit my ex-girlfriend riding shotgun, the guy driving has his arm around her shoulder. Even though she is riding shotgun she is naturally leaning a little closer so it’s more like she’s sitting in the middle. In the back of the truck sit two guys. My first thought is if the ex moved closer when she saw me or if she had been sitting that close already. More background. The ex and I broke up about a month ago and we each are dating new people. I am happy for her, I think. I was glad to hear she is dating someone new because I broke up with her and she took the break up much worse than me. But I also think everything she has been doing lately is completely out of character for her so I assume it’s all fake and to try to mess with me or make me jealous in some way. So I wonder, if she was acting normally would I still be happy for her? Because right now my view is pretty self-centered. No, not pretty self-centered. Very. When you assume someone’s actions are dictated completely by trying to make you jealous, I don’t think you can get much more self-centered than that. I’d like to say here though, that’s it not my fault that I think this way. Well, yes it is. But I want to blame my friends (the female ones), because they all told me that everything the ex is doing is fake and in an attempt to make me jealous. Anyhow, the point of this is she’s been acting goofy. And today’s experience peaked it for me.

The two guys in the back hop out and walk toward me. The ex and her boyfriend also get out. For some reason I can’t help but picture the guys with letter jackets on and the ex in a cheerleading outfit. And as I look at myself my clothes transfer from jeans and a hoody to navy pants, a white button up shirt tucked in with mustard stains (even though I hate mustard) and pens sticking out of the pocket on my shirt. This whole scenario screams bad Disney Channel original movie. Soon it’ll be shouting it.

“Hey Brad” says the ex. Entirely too cool and whatever. Can I help that when she talks all I look for now are fake things?

“Hey, how goes it folks?” I attempt to play it cool as well. Really no situation ever starts out well when three jock type fellows and a chick who is your ex pull up in a truck and come to talk to you. However, my previous experiences and knowledge of this type of situation is limited to, again sorry, the Disney Channel. Maybe some Fox Family and the occasional ABC Family.

One of the two from the back of the truck says, “Why were you such a jerk to her?” The boyfriend is just staring at me. The ex is acting like this isn’t actually happening, like she is watching a TV show. She and I used to be able to laugh at stuff like this together, hopefully one day she’ll realize how funny this is. And hopefully for me, it won’t include a black eye. Time for some skillful conversational skills.

“Huh?” Genius. No one can penetrate a defense like this. With that response they’ll have nowhere to go.

“You heard me.” Hmm…well done. I should’ve seen that coming. These guys are definitely not the jocks I thought they were if they can think up stuff like that.

“When was I a jerk to you?” I direct this at the ex, even though I know full well it won’t be til the fiery conclusion that she screams, “you’re such a jerk! I hate you!” then she cries and runs to the truck. Again…Disney, thank you.

“You were a total tool to her yesterday.” Let me add here I like his use of alliteration. It’s one thing to insult me, but when you add alliteration it’s definitely excusable because alliteration always makes me happy.

He continues, “You told her you’d have lunch with her then blew her off.”

“What?” I had no lunch plans with her. She’s a loon! I WIN!

“No that was his roommate. He’s just been a jerk to me for the past few months,” she chips in. I have to say here that I don’t have the best poker face. My eyebrows have always had a knack for screwing me over. They assume the “you’re crazy” position with one way up and the other down. This also makes one eye big and the other small. All in all, I look like an idiot.

“If I’d been a jerk for the last few months why didn’t you break up with me?” Nooooo. BAD! Why? What? What was I thinking here? MAN! I really do have a knack for this kind of thing. Hey, what’s this? A bad situation? Let me kick it in the teeth, call it ugly and then eat it’s grandchildren real quick. Yeah, I eat bad situations grandchildren, I’m not taking bad that statement. It’s appropriate.

Really though, I do realize that was a bad statement. I can’t help it though. Girls tell me I need to be more sensitive and think before I talk. The second part is the one I’m having troubles getting down. I am sensitive, I feel bad about saying dumb things and doing mean things. I just don’t realize how bad they are until it’s too late. Always too late.

“You’re such a jerk.” The ex counters eloquently, but now she is visibly angry. That’s no good.

“Sorry, that was dumb. I’m dumb. So, anyhow. I’m going to head back to my apartment.” I turn to walk away because fleeing is clearly the best solution to this bit of crisis. Something hits me in the back. Don’t turn, don’t turn. Oh gross, it’s wet. Don’t turn, don’t turn!

“Hey that was mature. Real slick, buddy.” Why did those words just leave my mouth? Why did I turn? Why did he throw a soda at me? Seriously, gross. Back to me! Why? And the “real slick, buddy.” I’m now as cool as they are. When you say things like, “buddy” or “pal” and you say it very cool and collected-like it means you’re angry. I don’t care who you are, you don’t say “buddy” in a cool way after someone throws a soda at you (which, I just want to say it was from Arby’s so at least I agree with their choice of fast food…wait…maybe this is my out).

“Arby’s? Nice. I loves me some roast beef sandwich.” While I had been thinking they’d been doing the, “now we got him” grin and stare and hiding laughing at me. Now, utter confusion. No way out like the weird, Arby’s love way out. I have completely lost them and they have no idea what to say or do right now. VICTORY!

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