The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘girl’

Is She the One?

I saw her across the room and before I knew it I was walking toward her. I didn’t know what to say so I decided to start with a lie.

“Hi, your sandwich might be poisoned.”

She politely informed me she had no sandwich nearby. I politely informed her, looking down and to the right, that I may be too late. Then I looked at her and said in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way, my God, you can’t keep your eyes off me. She stared disappointedly.

I asked her if I was coming on a little strong and she said you lack the muscle tone for that. I thought, wow, this is the one, and then she almost ruined the mood by saying quit staring at my chest. I asked if she wanted to play truth or dare, she told me I looked a lot better when my mouth was closed. I took the hint and started doing some spontaneous interpretive dancing.

Oh, look out ladies, I seemed to be saying with my hips, I’m available and I may be too much to handle. She didn’t seem to be getting this so I asked for her number to text her what my interpretive dance was saying.

She said she didn’t give her number out to dancers, not after that incident with Jean. I said it’s pronounced jean, as in the clothing item, and her lack of worldliness is probably what ended things. She said a pair of flannel sweatpants would probably get further with her than I ever would. I told her that’s incorrect, they would definitely get further than I ever would.

I stormed off making thunder noises, and doing jazz hands while yelling the word lightning. I hurried back quietly and informed her that I had stormed off, get it, and was she sad about it. She said a gale force wind was coming in, then she wound up and got a little spittle on my face as she treated my face like a birthday cake with too many candles. It was my turn to be disgusted. She whispered, my name is Gale, get it.

This is going to be an interesting first date.

That Time I Was Asked Out! By a Girl!

One day in the 7th grade a big event happened for me – I was asked out. By a girl!

I don’t remember what I was doing, but I know I was by myself. The girl came up and said hey, I said hello. There were about 50 of us total in the 7th grade at that school. I didn’t have her in my main classes, but I think we were in gym and art together. I knew who she was, but didn’t know her that well.

She popped the big question – asking if I’d want to go out with her.

I didn’t want to go out with her. I don’t think I wanted to go out with anyone then. I had big crushes, but I enjoyed them as crushes. I was afraid of ruining how nice my crush from afar was with risky things like conversation and interaction with the fairer sex.

Plus, you know, girls suck at video games so what good are they?

As soon as she asked I knew I would say no, but I felt so bad about it. Aw, I’m going to break her little heart. Poor girl. I don’t want to go out with her.

With a face that was I’m sure full of pity and sadness, I said a quiet and sad ‘no.’

She responded quickly with an ‘ok!’ and off she went.

I still felt guilty about crushing her dreams of dating me. But boy, she sure didn’t take it hard.

As the afternoon wore on a little bit I began to feel pretty good about myself – I got asked out! By a girl! I was not very confident and this left my ego feeling pretty good.

After school that day I was talking with some friends and someone mentioned something about that girl.

Apparently, she seemed to have asked out what felt like half the 7th grade class. I was singled out because of the distinguishing characteristic of me being a boy. Great.

My ego returned to its regular size (which was about the size of an N64 game cartridge), and instead of thinking about how nice it was to be liked I thought about how crazy that girl must be. Who asks out that many people? In one day?

I think my ego would’ve puked from the roller coaster ride if I’d said yes to going out, then at the end of the day found out that I was boyfriend choice number X.

‘Oh you’re going out with her? I thought about saying yes.’
‘Yeah me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Oh I was a definite no all the way.’

My Zombie Roomy (8/16/10)

Friday is my birthday, but I’ll be heading home to see my family on Thursday night – so the Zombie decided to throw me a birthday celebration today.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a zombie birthday party – but I wouldn’t recommend it. Well, that’s unfair – maybe it’s just my roommate that is really weird. But, apparently, the Zombie thinks the crème de la crème of parties is a 6th grade school dance.

My apartment had six balloons, bad music, and a math teacher (who looked like he was frightened for his life) standing in the corner of my kitchen. As soon as I walked in my apartment I knew it was a 6th grade dance – because I was suddenly very sure I’d never kiss a girl, and I remembered that Miss Whitehead is a big dumb lame-head.

It was incredibly weird. The only good part was when I approached the Zombie to thank him for the party, the math teacher said (out of habit I guess), “balloon-width apart, please.”

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