The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

I’m Workin’ Here, I’m Workin’!

Recently at work I was searching through old notebooks for notes I had taken on something a while back. I KNEW I had written notes on how to do this, I just didn’t know which notebook.

Anyhow, while searching I found two things. One, a dramatic poem:

your liquid logic
spreads sugary lies
that I imbibe
and oh I’ll feel sick
but not now
pass me another please

And two, a delightful quote I recorded from a co-worker who approached life with a sort of neutral pessimism. I know you can’t hear my thoughts, but when I read this quote I can hear his Arkansas accent lazily acknowledging each word,

“we’re always screwed, man, that’s our state of being.”

And, I have to brag, I eventually found the notes I was looking for. They were from May 2011.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (11/18/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Rhinoceroses are like nature’s way of saying, “in case you were curious, here’s what saggy armor looks like.”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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A Quiet Conversation

Somewhere in the southern United States, in a locker room on a sleepy Tuesday, the only people left after a long practice are the quarterback and an offensive lineman.

Quarterback: Hey man, good practice.

Lineman: Yeah, man, just trying to keep you clean.

Quarterback: Oh I don’t mind getting hit once or twice, I …

Lineman: What? Say it, man.

Quarterback: Aw it’s dumb but … You know in games on TV when a quarterback throws right as he’s getting hit and you see him laying there, looking up to see if it’s a complete pass, and woah, it is, and the quarterback just stays laying there for a second like … super happy.

Lineman: Yeah I know exactly what you’re talking about. You wanna do that?

Quarterback: Ha. Yeah … I guess I … I guess I do.

Lineman: …

Quarterback: Ok. Well. I gotta go so I’ll –

Lineman: Wait.

Quarterback: Dude … You just gonna make fun of me for what I just said?

Lineman: No, no. It’s uh … I got one of those too.

Quarterback: Yeah?

Lineman: Yeah. Um. You know like, when a quarterback scrambles and gets a touchdown and he’s all excited?

Quarterback: Hell yeah I do! I did that last game man!

Lineman: Yeah! Yeah that was great! What a win, huh? It’s just … You ever see that chick flick Dirty Dancing?

Quarterback: Dude. I know exactly what you’re gonna say. I’m on it. Next game. I promise.

Lineman: (smiles ear to ear)

I’ll be honest, before I started writing this I figured it’d be the quarterback wanting the lineman to hold him but then I thought, “you know what? I bet it’s actually the lineman!”

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Du Jour of the Week

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