The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Welcoming 2013

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some. I just need to “re-brand” it. I need to combine a resolution with a slogan. Make 2013 a year known as … something.

2013, Make Friends with a Queen

That could be a potential resolution AND slogan. Am I currently friends with a queen? Not that I know of. Should I become friends with one? Yes, if I can’t think of a funnier slogan.

Don’t be Mean in 2013

That’s not funny in the slightest, but it would probably a good resolution. What’s that mean? That means: NEXT!

Read Like a Preteen in 2013

This is the most doable so far of all of my resolutions. In 2012 I read the Hunger Games books very quickly. With this resolution I could feel like an avid reader due to the number of books I could read without having the burden of having to use my brain.

Be Green for 3013

See what I did there? It’s a 2013 resolution, but … see, by being green I’d be saving the world for another … ah, whatever. One simple change/”resolution” I made in late 2011 was to use less paper towels when drying my hands in public restrooms. All you do is shake your hands a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. So simple!

Make Being a Badass Routine in 2013

BOOM! I don’t know how I’m going to do this, which makes it perfect for a New Year’s resolution. It’s vague so I can say anything accomplishes this resolution.

“Hey, did you actually stick to your resolution?”
“Me?, yeah, heck yeah. I committed to being a badass and you know what? I did that. I didn’t change a thing about me to better myself, which shows I’m confident in who I am, so that’s pretty B.A. dude.”
“Sounds like you’re just lazy and self-congratulating.”
“I know. B.A., right?”

Grown Up Storytime Reading

Right before Thanksgiving a story I submitted to a once a month event in Houston called “Grown-up Storytime” was read. It’s the story of when I was selected to be a judge at a “Spoken Word” type poetry competition.

I didn’t know the guy who read it, but he was pretty funny.

Also, Grown-up Storytime is pretty neat. If you didn’t want to click on the link above – basically anyone can submit a story and if it’s picked they have one of their readers (I think anyone can apply to be one of those too) reads it.

To the Fans of the Mayans

Meteors are crashing down

Destruction rains all around

Dinosaurs have re-inhabited the Earth

They are crushing people with smirks and mirth

Five hundred tornadoes suddenly appeared

But I don’t find any of this weird

Godzilla is riding a super-sized dragon

Throwing presents from his TNT-filled wagon

An earthquake has swallowed Hawaii

Ignorant dolts are screaming ‘why, oh why!’

I don’t mean to sound crass or mean

But all I’m feeling is this dopamine

You see, when you are proven right

A shot of dopamine is there for your delight

I KNEW the Mayans had it figured out

I knew it with all my heart, without a doubt

So you see … oh crap, a foul-tempered liger

Excuse me while I run away with my righteous swagger