The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘mean’

Welcoming 2013

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some. I just need to “re-brand” it. I need to combine a resolution with a slogan. Make 2013 a year known as … something.

2013, Make Friends with a Queen

That could be a potential resolution AND slogan. Am I currently friends with a queen? Not that I know of. Should I become friends with one? Yes, if I can’t think of a funnier slogan.

Don’t be Mean in 2013

That’s not funny in the slightest, but it would probably a good resolution. What’s that mean? That means: NEXT!

Read Like a Preteen in 2013

This is the most doable so far of all of my resolutions. In 2012 I read the Hunger Games books very quickly. With this resolution I could feel like an avid reader due to the number of books I could read without having the burden of having to use my brain.

Be Green for 3013

See what I did there? It’s a 2013 resolution, but … see, by being green I’d be saving the world for another … ah, whatever. One simple change/”resolution” I made in late 2011 was to use less paper towels when drying my hands in public restrooms. All you do is shake your hands a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. So simple!

Make Being a Badass Routine in 2013

BOOM! I don’t know how I’m going to do this, which makes it perfect for a New Year’s resolution. It’s vague so I can say anything accomplishes this resolution.

“Hey, did you actually stick to your resolution?”
“Me?, yeah, heck yeah. I committed to being a badass and you know what? I did that. I didn’t change a thing about me to better myself, which shows I’m confident in who I am, so that’s pretty B.A. dude.”
“Sounds like you’re just lazy and self-congratulating.”
“I know. B.A., right?”

DumbFunnery Doles with the Best, Part I

Dear DumbFunnery,

My girlfriend and I are debating taking our relationship to “the next step” and I’m not sure what she means. I mean, I think she might mean sex, that seems like the obvious thing. But she’s really never said more than “the next step.” I want to have sex, but I’m afraid it might mean marriage. Is it worth the risk?

Madly in Lust,
Des Moines, Iowa


Dear Madlust,

Holy cow dude. That is really personal. How am I supposed to know? And seriously, you’re writing about your sex life to a stranger? What a weird guy you are.

Hope this helps.


Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you tell someone you think they smell like cabbage, without coming across really mean?

Hates Cabbage
Sunshine, Alaska


Dear Cabbage,

This is such a classic problem I’m not even going to address it.

Next time give me a challenge.


Dear DumbFunnery,

ohm y God. im crying. i am hartbroken how do you get over the luv of your life?

lost wthout love


Dear … You,

With time.

On a lighter note – your letter conveys clearly that you are stupid.

All the best,


Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you go about deciding if what you’re doing is worth it? I enjoy what I do, but I feel like

sometimes I’m doing things just to please other people and not at all for myself. How do I even start

with trying to figure out what is best for myself, and others?

Confused and Trying


Dear C&T,

I’m not a doctor and this is a bit unorthodox but I think your lymph node is swollen. Please get it checked out soon.

omgIMpreggars : Tweets from a Pregnant Fourteen Year Old

10 am: ugh! moms so pissed. taking me to hospital to see if im prgnant. fingers crossed its no!!!!!

10:47 am: shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt.

10:49 am: mom said having a baby is worse than the time i got 14 stitches!!!!

10:57 am: omg! mom is so pissed! im sorry ok i thought he was on birth control!

11:14 am: apparently men cant be on birth control??? what were all those pills he took? whatev.

11:37 am: mom stated to take me back to school and i said erf that! im pregnant and have morning sickness or whatever.

11:39 am: lol! erf! i meant ef!!! lol!!

12:01 pm: just ate a ton! being preggars has its upside? πŸ™‚

12:27 pm: i dont wanna be fat 😦 😦 😦 my bf will totally braeak up w me 😦 😦

12:32 pm: bf tweeted he luvs me!!!

12:34 pm: hahaha lol! my bf is such a perv! told me all the free sex we want for 9 mos

12:39 pm: wait … u cant get pregntn for lik another 3 months after birth too? right?

1:12 pm: ill have to get all new clothes … torn feeling sabout this 😦 and πŸ™‚ lol!

1:37 pm: moms still so angry 😦

2:12 pm: shit mom get over it!!!!

3:07 pm: mom threatened to take my phone! wtf!!! its how i express myself!

3:09 pm: first amendment mom! heard of it?!!?!

3:14 pm: i can sue for indepndence from my parents right? i declare mself emancipted!!

3:17 pm: lol! my bf told me emancipated sounds like constipated! lol!

4:10 pm: shit am i ready to be a mom? what do u guys think?

4: 13 pm: be real w me pls …

4:47 pm: im havng this baby! weather you want iot or not!

4:49 pm: when you have ur period iur a woamn! ok!? like in china girls have babeis at 10!!

4:51 pm: f them doubters! lol!

5:37 pm: i feel fat 😦

6:27 pm: mom said no mcdonalds for dinnr!!! 😦 😦 😦

6:30 pm: jst bc im pregnant and weigh less than u mom doesnt mean u shuld be jealous

6:55 pm: oh no oh no oh no dads home! …

6:56 pm: bust out my ninja skillz! lol shhhh lol

7:15 pm: i saw my dad cry for like the firts time evr in his life … cryng right now 2 u guys … i guess things are goig to be diffrnet

7:24 pm: rude. mom calld me “unfit parent” wtf mom

7:27 pm: whats unfit is that shirt moms wearing LOL!!!!

7:49 pm: why do we evn have trigonmtry? its pointless

8:24 pm: than god for tivo! πŸ™‚

8:37 pm: wow my baby will never have to wtch commrcials ever! what an easy life!

9:12 pm: im about to give birth to my lunch lol! cafetria food sucks!

9:47 pm: from my bf: “curfews are as gay as oprah and that chick shes gay with” LOL! luv it! luv you! πŸ™‚

10:14 pm: ive been jokng around a lot today but im really scared. i dont know if i can handle this 😦 im so young its scary guys …

10:30 pm: south parks on ) πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

10:32 pm: tomrrow ill haev been pregnant 2 days. weird. night all. kep me in ur prayer.s

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