The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

De Jour of the Week (1/28/10)

1/28/10

McDonald’s at my desk + constant document reading = this poem.

Acro-Maniac!

Hi, hello, how are you! – it’s my first day
This is my background, how bout the weather here … this is all I say
“Here’s some reading material, have fun figuring it out, mmmk?”

Sure boss, no problem, I’ll hop right on it
With my determination and desire to succeed I am equipped
I’ll give it the old college try and these documents will soon be whipped.

Wait, what’s that acronym mean?
Whatever the hell they’re talking about is TBR, TBD (it remains to be seen)
Am I supposed to remember all this? I’m not a machine.

A list, my list, and what a list
I’ll keep track of all the acronyms so nothing will be missed
But with each new entry the list goes from scary, to scarier, to scariest

Soon I’ll become some sort of acro-maniac
Which is sort of like a brainiac
But a very limited one because it’s mostly a painiac-in-the-neckiac

And, what’s more, it’s ruining my personal life, and that’s no lie
A girl walked by, she smiled and said “hi”
And all i thought was ‘Hawaii? high integration? hypervelocity impact?’, meanwhile the female goes bye-bye.

Alphabet soup in a bowl is delicious
Alphabet soup on a page is malicious
And my ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ are getting vicious.

So don’t mind me, the new guy, sitting in my cube and having a cow
With my worried eyes, wrecked brain, and a ten foot scowl
What!, free cookies in the break room!?! I feel better now.

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Du Jour of the Week

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My Zombie Roomy (1/29/10)

1/29/10
I moved in to my apartment officially today – I had the apartment for the past week or so, but I didn’t have any of my stuff in it so I wasn’t living there yet. Today my stuff came, so I feel ‘official.’

Anyway – I was surprised to find out a zombie lives in my apartment. Even more surprising is that I’m the only one who can see him. The movers thought I was crazy, so eventually I stopped saying, “watch out for the zombie in the bedroom.”

After the movers left I said, “so … I guess you’re my roommate?” He just sort of stared. I stared back. Then, and I can’t explain how I’m so chill with this whole free-loading-zombie-roommate situation, but I thought, why not? I decided to embrace the situation.

I’ll admit I was pretty ticked for a while, but I don’t know anyone here in Houston, so I guess having a roommate isn’t that bad. He’s real quiet, and kind of quirky.

Here’s an example of him being quirky –

“Hi, I’m Brad.”
“Brains.”
“No, Brad.”
“BRAINS!”

That’s when I realized he had already come up with a nickname for me. I guess I’m sort of smart, so brains is cool. I’ll have to think of a nickname for him though. If he didn’t call me brains, I’d probably call him that because he loves saying that word.

 

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My Zombie Roomy

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De Jour of the Week (1/20/10)

1/20/10

There will be more of these … later.

Just so you know, future me (i.e. the person who will find this most interesting and I’m writing this to remember it), I saw a few apartments today in Houston. One of them bordered a wildlife preserve. While taking the tour we went up to the fence – separating the apartments from the preserve – and there was a wild hog hanging out. Why wouldn’t there be?

A bit later my mom and I were driving around and we saw a sign that said, “Don’t Feed the Alligators – $500 fine.”

Oh boy!

If Tones Could Talk – Anger

Oh what have I just said
The room is suddenly ice, I’m dead.

Whatever I said wrong, I was joking
I take it back! I call my right to revoking.

You’ve just said my name, and slowwwwwlyyyyy
And now you’re staring past me/at me/through me.

That tone was all things threatening
My collar I’m loosening
My hands are sweating
My nervous laugh is too nervous to laugh, it’s gone into hiding
My lips I’m biting
My … my … my you’re intimidating.

Maybe you want dinner? Flowers? Candy?
(I’m looking around you to make sure there’s nothing heavy and throwable handy.)

My what a powerful word my name can be
When you say it so delicately/angrily/slowly.

I’m supposed to respond
You’re waiting for me to respond
Ok. Here we go. I’m going to respond.

“Um …”
Well, that was dumb.

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