The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

February Haiku

February 1 (Thursday)
I have a knack for
Searching out complex fixes
Confusing myself

February 2 (Friday)
Attended a class
As coworker likes to say:
“There went that hour”

February 3 (Saturday)
Guys! Guys guys guys GUYS!
I found a new pair of jeans!
Sad. But I am jazzed.

February 4 (Sunday)
For my wife’s birthday
She got a crappy drawing!
(For nail salon trip)

February 5 (Monday)
Wife’s mom coming in
Maternity leave is done
Tears for everyone!

February 6 (Tuesday)
Wife’s first day back – good!
And the kid and grandmother
Had a good day, too!

February 7 (Wednesday)
Fashion show at home
Grandma treated wife and kid
To some sweet new threads

February 8 (Thursday)
Toastmasters event
Open house to get new folks
Embrace speech nerddom

February 9 (Friday)
Time slows to a crawl
Work on Friday afternoon
The bane of my life

February 10 (Saturday)
Snow falling outside
Inside: Harry Potter and
Kid napping on me

February 11 (Sunday)
Would it be so bad
If son can’t sleep sans cuddles?
(Well … at age 10 … yeah)

February 12 (Monday)
My mom is in town
Sadly, not to buy me stuff
But to be yamma!

February 13 (Tuesday)
Yamma’s on duty
Watching kiddo while his folks
Make dolla bills ya’ll

February 14 (Wednesday)
It’s Valentine’s day
When your heart diarrheas
Romance all over

February 15 (Thursday)
Watching Olympics
The pressure they face – unreal
I would be a wreck

February 16 (Friday)
Got home from work to
Hang with my son, wife, and mom
I’m dull, and life’s grand

February 17 (Saturday)
New sleep plan today
I’m prepared for him crying
(And me crying too)

February 18 (Sunday)
Kid sees the pattern
Cries when seeing nap routine
SMART! (and heartbreaking)

February 19 (Monday)
Damen und herren
I ordered German kids books
Slow, steady progress!

February 20 (Tuesday)
Babysitting day!
Kiddo and dad (that’s me!) day
While mom works (sucker)

February 21 (Wednesday)
Happy Valentine’s!
Oh. Oh no no no. You guys.
I’ve made a mistake.

February 22 (Thursday)
Golden age is here
Kid’s happy, sleeps at night and
Is not yet mobile

February 23 (Friday)
Donuts origin:
A way of saying sorry
For boring meetings

February 24 (Saturday)
From a book I read
Pronouns are tough for babies
So it’s Toys “R” Dad

February 25 (Sunday)
Dear Lego careers
I have a job but … you know …
Feel free to call me

February 26 (Monday)
Xerostomia
Sci-fi character? Or a
Word meaning dry mouth?

February 27 (Tuesday)
Day with the kiddo!
Full of mush and affection
And too short cat naps

February 28 (Wednesday)
Worked from home … at night!
I’d be a workaholic
But that sounds awful

 

2017 February Haiku

Fight Fire With Fire

Firefighters actually CAN and DO fight fire with fire. Strategic burns to remove very dry wood, or burning areas so a wildfire has less to go on when reaching those areas. It’s effective.

The NRA wants to fight gun violence by making more guns readily available to children (not their intended consequence, but an inevitable consequence).

What are other famous failures in fighting fire with fire?

Doctor: It’s cancer … And I’m afraid it’s quite advanced
Patient: I’m ready to fight it, doc!
Doctor: Great! I’m going to inject a different form of cancer in your body … They’ll duke it out!
Patient: Uhh … But aren’t all forms of cancer potentially deadly?
Doctor: Yeah, but my hope is this cancer will only be deadly toward other deadly stuff …

Trump’s lawyer: You have no money, you need to stop spending money
Trump: But what if I just keep spending and declare bankruptcy and start over? Again and again?
(Ok well, this is a bad example because somehow this has worked for him)

Community leaders: The gang violence is out of control! There are just too many gangs!
Especially stupid community leaders: Say …

***

It does seem, though, that when firefighters use fire it is because something is already out of hand and there is a crisis. Generally, water saves the day. Are schools at that kind of crisis point? I don’t think so, but it is certainly past the time when common sense should’ve kicked in. Toys aren’t worth human lives.

Attn: Ellen (2/28/18)

Front

Ellen340a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen340b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Remember the old ‘cotton – the fabric of our lives’ ad? If I was silk (and I recognize that’s a weird statement) I would have a rebuttal ad, ‘silk – the fabric of the life you wish you had.’ After all, it’s a well known fact that silk is cotton’s wealthy aunt.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?