The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘published’

De Jour of the Week (1/24/11)

I know I’ve already touched on this – but seriously it’s gross when people don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. Especially, as one co-worker does, if they’ve just used the stall and don’t wash their hand.

People are Gross

It’s 230 and something’s the matter
And the matter is my bladder

At lunch, free refills on coke? I’ll take another round
My ability to stop could not be found

And now it’s 230 and there’s that pressing MATTER
Yes, it’s my grandpa bladder

Up, up, and away to the little boys room
An ‘accident’ at work would be office-talk doom

There’s Jerry, there’s Bob – the fellas sit a few cubes over
The urinals sing, red rover, red rover, send bladders right over

Sweet relief! I couldn’t be happier
I head to the sinks to clean my hands this day once more

There … goes … Jerry?
That stinking, disgusting, I never want to share a stapler, printer, office with … Jerry.

Homeboy doesn’t even LOOK at the sink!
He checked himself out in the mirror, but all I see is a fink.

And Bob. Oh, Bob. He rinsed his hands then ‘touched up’ his hair
(Though to be fair, let’s be honest Bob, there’s not much there)

Bob, it’s called soap
Learn it, live it, love it, you dope

Bob, you disgust me
Urine is gross, Jerry

Oh – I hadn’t even noticed Doug in the stall
And now Doug’s glancing at the mirrors … don’t tell me that’s all

I’ll end the poem here –
I’ve made my point clear

People don’t wash their hands, and that’s a fact
So the next time you go to shake hands, consider a retract

Ladies, and fellas, if you catch someone not washing their hand
Wait til they’re in public, then reprimand, reprimand, reprimand.

Weekly Wacko (61)

Sink Technology Innovations

My dorm room my freshman year of college had a sink and mirror in it. This was nice because my roommate and I could brush our teeth and shave in the room if we wanted (any time spent not wearing shower shoes is time well spent).

One day I decided I looked scruffy enough and decided to shave.

I got out my shaving stuff, put on some shaving cream, turned on the hot water and started. After one stroke with the blade I ‘cleaned’ it. I did this again. And again.

Without realizing it, I was tapping the blade on the stopper in the sink.

I realized that soon enough when water starting filling up.

Uh oh.

I had completely closed the stopper (one of those metal ones that push up or down, simple enough).

I tried to get my fingers between the stopper and the metal around it to pry it up. No dice. I got out a penny – not thin enough. Eventually I dug out my Swiss Army knife (I really have no idea why I thought I would need this, but it turns out I did use it. Once. Definitely worth it.). I was able to get the blade in to pry open the stopper.

That’s when I noticed, between the cold and hot water taps was the metal part that you simply push or pull to open or close the stopper.

It’s not that I had never used a sink like this before, it’s just that I’m a moron.

And if you need further proof – I did the SAME EXACT THING about a month later.

(The second time I did that I told my English class about it and my professor told me that’s not the sort of thing I should tell people. I told her, in my head, ‘yeah? well you’re ugly.’)

De Jour of the Week (1/17/11)

Top 5 Things Overheard Said by Mark Zuckerberg as He Fights Off Zombiepocalypse

5) “Poke this.”

4) “I don’t blame you – if I could clone me, I’d eat myself too.”

3) “Relationship status: Dead.”

2) “I’m taking back my friend request.”

1) “…Brainssssss…” **

**Note, the post name should be “as He *Tries To* Fight Off Zombiepocalypse”

*My co-worker L and I thought up this idea, and I thought it was pretty clever … but I guess with the same actor being the star (sorta) in Zombieland AND the Facebook movie, this thought probably occurred to many people.

I was going to fix up a photo of Zuckerberg, but then I saw the above image and thought it was somewhat funny. Plus the site has some good ‘posters.’