The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘twitter’

Tough Mudder Tweets

I am no stranger to bad ideas. Last year I did the MS150 (a 2 day, 150 mile bike ride from Houston to Austin). I made predictions before the bike ride for what I would be thinking on day 1, and day 2. This year I have been training for the Tough Mudder.

If I could tweet during the Tough Mudder, here’s how I’d expect it to go.

Mile 0: Huh, some of these guys don’t look so buff. If they can do it I can do it! Or maybe they’re secretly buff? I’m scared.

Mile 1: #WhatWasIThinking #ShootMe #hashTag

Mile 2: Two miles down! Why did I buy such garishly bright colors? I’m just covered in mud.

Mile 3: I now officially hate monkey bars. With a passion.

Mile 4: Oh man I just helped a dude up a wall thing. I feel like such a tough guy! But also nice. A tough nice guy! Like a villain in a musical?

Mile 5: I regret comparing myself to a villain in a musical.

Mile 6: If I was to do a word association game with either of the words ‘tough’ or ‘mudder’ my association would be a shrieking noise ending in a hiss.

Mile 7: Wait, did they say this was 10 to 12 miles? What is that? How much further is this!?

Mile 8: So that’s what an ice bath feels like.

Mile 9: #Crying #TellingPeopleItsSweat

Mile 10: So that’s what being shocked feels like.

Mile 11: Am I angry at myself? Is that what this is? Is is that I have self-hate?

Mile 12: Holy crap monkeys. I did it!!!! Now to shave this incredibly stupid looking beard.

 

You know I actually do have a Twitter account. You should follow me!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Dear Friends and Family, part 2

As a thoughtful person, I will arrange my apologies in three categories: friends and family, random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers, and people I confessed my love for.

Friends and family:

During those weeks I spent in my shelter I realized the error of my ways. Can I live without you? No. Would I be better off if I never saw you again? No! Do I wish we’d never even met? Perish the thought!

Why would I have said such things? Temporary insanity! Clearly! I mean, come on, I believed in the Mayan Apocalypse! Let’s all laugh about that, and enjoy some friendly ribbing! I can take an insult as well as I can give one … But, don’t you want to learn from my mistakes and be better than me? I think you do. Let’s do each other a favor: you should forgive me and I will hang out with you like before.

Random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers:

Any negative experiences you underwent as the result of alleged interactions with me are truly unfortunate, and I, as any decent person would, wish only the best for you.

People I confessed my love for:

First of all, I feel like I have a big heart, so the idea of me having several people who are “my one and only” is not THAT unrealistic. I want to make that clear.

Unfortunately, traditional thinking will probably keep you from understanding how big my heart is – so I am deeply sorry about confessing my love to four people  (two of whom are married, and those apologies extend to the husbands as well).

To the guy I confessed my love for … I wanted to see what it felt like. As someone who works in a laboratory, I feel like you should be impressed at my scientific approach. What does it feel like to tell a man you love him? For me, eh.

I guess we both learned something that day, you’re not gay, and I need a girlfriend. Look at that, jokes about myself! See! I can give and receive this kind of “bashing!” What fun!

Oh, and happy New Year everyone!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Starting the Day off Creepy

It was a day like any other. I woke up, hit snooze a few times, and then reluctantly got out of bed. The earlier I start work, the earlier I’m back with my best friend – my couch. But something felt different today, something I just couldn’t identify.

Nevertheless, I got up. I began my morning routing – a bowl of cereal while I watch the local NBC news. For local news, bad jokes, and attractive anchors – go to Local 2 News! Jennifer Reyna, the traffic girl who could make traffic stop with her good looks, was talking about an accident or really clear lanes or whatever it was, she’s too pretty for me to notice.

I thought, “maybe I should tweet that I like kicking off my mornings with Miss (hopefully Miss) Reyna.” But then I realized that would be boring. I thought of a bad joke, “Folgers? Who needs that when you’ve got Reyna.” But no, that was a really bad joke. I wouldn’t do that. But the idea had entered my head … Twitter … Jennifer Reyna … Me …

I had to know! I signed on my computer and searched for her name – what’s this! There IS a Jennifer Reyna on Twitter! I look at the brief description that every Twitter user can create, and this didn’t seem like the standard PR-created byline for a semi-celebrity user of Twitter. The byline said,

“Dedicated to the traffic hottie Jennifer Reyna on Houston’s KPRC Local 2.”

Could it be … Could it be that there are other creepy guys out there who like Jennifer Reyna?! And could it be that one of them is so creepy he has created a Twitter account where he, every day, posts a picture of Jennifer (dear, sweet Jennifer), describes her outfit, and RATES it!?

http://twitter.com/ratereyna

Yes, I would say there are other creepy guys out there …

“Did I mention that Jen’s secret power is the ability to make brown look good? It’s freaky! Rating: 9.5”

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Weekly Wacko

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