The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘weird’

Attn: Ellen (1/5/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

“Quick, Johnny! Get that fire going – this stick is trying to kill me!”

Johnny stood there. Mute with shock.

Somewhere in the distance a cow snickered.

Now THAT’S art!

Hope you had a lovely New Year’s. Kicking off 2011 with a dose of weird.

Sincerely,
GetBradStanleyPublished.com

***

Even for me this one is weird. If you click on the picture (first pic above) this may make sense.

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Attn: Ellen

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Kill the Scouts

Whenever I see an ant or maybe two walking around in my apartment I think, These are the scouts! They’re going to head back to the home base and tell them, “come quick! Homeboy’s got chocolate covered raisins!” At this point I decide to kill them. Sometimes though I kill just one and toy with the other for a while.

The next night another two ants will be back. Again, I think to myself.

What do I have to do to these guys! Didn’t I squish that other ant angrily enough? Don’t they get the message!

What I hadn’t considered was that maybe these ants came on purpose.

Night After I Killed the First Ant

Survivor Ant: I’m back! Everybody I’m back.
Rest of Ant Community: Hey that’s great, now get to work.
Survivor: No! Listen, I’ve got to warn you –
Jerk Ant: Shut up. Get to work you dumb, lazy yokel.
Survivor: But I’ve got to warn –
Jerk Ant: (mimicking) I’ve got to warn. (normal voice) Wah wah wah. No one cares.
Survivor: Dude. Shhh. Come here. I just ate so much sugar I lifted 52 times my own weight.
Jerk Ant: (unsure) Yeah … whatever …
Survivor: Listen. You’ve always been a jerk to me and I … I don’t know I just had kinda hoped that I could get you to like me if I took you to the magical land of sugar.
Jerk Ant: Pssht. Magical land of sugar. You’re so lame.
Survivor: Yeah. But I know where there’s lots of sugar.
Jerk Ant: … Yeah ok. Take me there. Tomorrow night I’ll ask to be a scout like you.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell the difference between a jerk ant, and a regular ant. That’s why, when the scout ants come back for a second night I just kill them both.

 

🙂 The End 🙂

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Short Short Stories

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My Zombie Roomy (10/26/10)

I hadn’t seen the Zombie in a while, but I came home today and the bathroom door was closed. I thought about it and I was pretty sure I hadn’t closed the bathroom door before I left.

This got me nervous.

Then I heard some sloshing coming from inside the bathroom. Bathtub sounds.

This made me even more nervous. And pretty curious.

I walked up to the bathroom and listened. After I heard a few sounds from inside I knew it was the Zombie. You might think I felt better knowing that – but not really. The Zombie doesn’t use the bathroom. The Zombie doesn’t take baths. The Zombie doesn’t close doors.

What is happening?

“Zombie, I’m going to open the door …” I said, a little worried.

I opened the door and I saw something that shocked me. Absolutely shocked me.

The Zombie had lit some candles, was laying in the bath tub with tons of bubbles, he had some old-fashioned hair curlers he had somehow shoved into his head, and was gnawing on a self-help book on how to get over being broken up with (based on the books cover, ironic I know, it looked to be a book for heterosexual women).

The Zombie burped, and we both laughed. Things are back on track with me and the Zomb!

Also because of the bath he doesn’t smell like death, mixed with curry, mixed with feet! He instead just smells like death.

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My Zombie Roomy

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