The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘zombie’

My Zombie Roomy (11/1/12)

I’ll admit, I stereotyped. I feel bad having done it (but only because it turned out I was wrong).

On Wednesday I didn’t see the Zombie at all. Tuesday he was gone by the time I came home from work. Today? Still no sign of him. But I did see a little pumpkin thing. You know, one of those little plastic pumpkins kids get to hold their candy when they trick-or-treat.

Here is a slow-motion capture of the thoughts that raced through my mind.

“The heck? Why is … Oh it’s the Zombie’s … Oh God it’s probably got human parts in it … Oh man it’s probably a kids hands … Oh no oh no oh no …”

The last one I thought over and over as I slowly approached it. Mental pictures of this weird, gross scene I had imagined kept repeating in my mind. I don’t know why, but I kept picturing a kids hands in the bucket.

I reached the bucket and … instead it was candy. Regular old candy, like any kid would have after a night of trick-or-treating. I hate to admit it, but I was a little disappointed.

My dear, dear Zombie roommate did not have the crazy Halloween I expected him to have. I really expected some morbid sense of humor kind of thing. A little kids trick-or-treat bucket filled with zombie-snacks. How funny would that be in a dear-God-what’s-happened-to-my-sense-of-right-and-wrong-oh-wait-I-have-distanced-myself-from-reality sort of way? I’ll tell you – it would be very funny.

But nope. Just candy.

Of course, I still won’t eat it. My stereotype that the Zombie is secretly playing morbid Halloween jokes remains intact (but shh, I’m admitting this only in a rare moment of clarity known as drinking and blogging). My assumption (hope? what’s happening to me?) is that under those loving exteriors of my favorite candy bars (tiny Crunch bars, a regular sized Twix, some Peanut Butter Cups, M&Ms!, …) … are tiny, chopped up bits of people.

Is that weird that I think that?

My parents are coming in to town tomorrow so I told the Zombie to get lost for a while. He stinks up the place something awful, and I don’t want my parents to have to deal with it. The time apart could be good for my apparently skewed moral compass.

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My Zombie Roomy

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My Zombie Roomy (10/30/12)

“Trick or treaaaaaat!”

CHOMP!

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for the Zombie. Careful when you open your door, you may be opening a buffet unknowingly.

No, I’m just kidding. I’m pretty sure the Zombie is a total ham (for example, see last year here or here) and loves to go around during Halloween ‘season’ and hear people say, “oh duuuude! That is an AWESOME costume!” Although if people get close, I would imagine they would then quickly add, in their head, “wow, you’re dedicated. You really do stink like death.”

To, in a sense, pre-treat this situation … I’ve been having the Zombie drink some of my laundry detergent. He’s Springtime Fresh … to death. Ah ha ha. So funny.

From the Zombie and I, happy Halloween!

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My Zombie Roomy

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My Zombie Roomy (10/8/12)

The food list. The much anticipated (artistic liberties are my favorite) list. Well, “list.” The list is really more a set of rules.

I think they are good rules, and I’m definitely open to improvements. (Although to be honest the Zombie has been following these rules for about 2 weeks already and when it comes to eating people it’s hard to call take-backs …)

Please feel free to pass on your thoughts for more Zombino rules! Without further ado …

  1. I can’t name someone specific. (Like, say, when that guy flipped me off AND slowed down to curse at me when I was jogging and dude, come on, I had the little white ‘walk now’ guy. Jerk.)
  2. It can’t be a red head. (This one isn’t for me, it’s just that the Zombie has some weird affinity for red heads. I have tried to figure out if he was one himself … but I haven’t had any luck on that campaign. Besides, red heads have it tough enough as is. And I’m part of the problem.
  3. If Oprah, Ellen, and Clifford sat down with this person even they would think evil thoughts. CLIFFORD, guys, come on. That’s a good test.
  4. It has to be someone with a fighting chance. This is for the person’s sake and the Zombie’s (in romance you always want to have a little chase … and like I said before, this is the Zombie’s romance). Also, come on, it’s just not fair to pick on someone who doesn’t have a shot. Also, if some sort of zombie apocalypse happens wouldn’t the first time you see a zombie kill someone set you into action much faster if the zombie attack was like a fight scene from a movie? This is for your sake, too.
  5. Not me!! (Selfish, but a good real.)

That’s it for the rules. Hopefully I don’t have any glaring gaps.

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My Zombie Roomy

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