The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘creepy’

Attn: Ellen (2/22/17)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think this was commissioned? And if so, do you think the person looked at this and thought, ‘perfect! I love when people recoil in fear upon seeing a painted portrait!’ Don’t get me wrong, I think this is amazing and nuts, but it is a little creepy crawly.

OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Questions NOT to Ask Before a First Date

“Do you have, like, a really good sense of smell?”

“How much do you worry about safety?”

“Do you talk with your friends a lot? Family? Basically, I’m just curious who knows about this date … Does anyone know that we’re going to meet up?”

“If you went on a first date with a guy and it went awesome, everything clicked, there was attraction … all that stuff!, but then it turns out he was married – would that bother you?”

“Do you like guys with cats?” (Have I talked about this already, maybe …)

“Hit and run is such a vague thing … like, seriously, answer me, what constitutes a ‘hit’?”

“Are you wearing your pink coat?, because I don’t really like that one.”

My Zombie Roomy (10/8/12)

The food list. The much anticipated (artistic liberties are my favorite) list. Well, “list.” The list is really more a set of rules.

I think they are good rules, and I’m definitely open to improvements. (Although to be honest the Zombie has been following these rules for about 2 weeks already and when it comes to eating people it’s hard to call take-backs …)

Please feel free to pass on your thoughts for more Zombino rules! Without further ado …

  1. I can’t name someone specific. (Like, say, when that guy flipped me off AND slowed down to curse at me when I was jogging and dude, come on, I had the little white ‘walk now’ guy. Jerk.)
  2. It can’t be a red head. (This one isn’t for me, it’s just that the Zombie has some weird affinity for red heads. I have tried to figure out if he was one himself … but I haven’t had any luck on that campaign. Besides, red heads have it tough enough as is. And I’m part of the problem.
  3. If Oprah, Ellen, and Clifford sat down with this person even they would think evil thoughts. CLIFFORD, guys, come on. That’s a good test.
  4. It has to be someone with a fighting chance. This is for the person’s sake and the Zombie’s (in romance you always want to have a little chase … and like I said before, this is the Zombie’s romance). Also, come on, it’s just not fair to pick on someone who doesn’t have a shot. Also, if some sort of zombie apocalypse happens wouldn’t the first time you see a zombie kill someone set you into action much faster if the zombie attack was like a fight scene from a movie? This is for your sake, too.
  5. Not me!! (Selfish, but a good real.)

That’s it for the rules. Hopefully I don’t have any glaring gaps.

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