The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Animal Facts’ Category

Animal Facts! (Gorilla, Flamingo, Capybara, Kangaroo)

Gorilla

Whenever he’s sad you can bet that these two words will cheer him up: “nudie bar.”

Finds cereal romantically charming.

Dreams of owning an eyeglasses store called, “You Wouldn’t Punch a Guy With Glasses, Would Ya?”

Forgot to read the assignment – but even worse … forgot to come up with an excuse about why he didn’t read the assignment.

Doesn’t do ANYTHING at work. Here’s why: whenever anyone comes up and asks him to do something he says VERY slowly, “I understand what you’re saying … theoretically … but I’m lost in the details. Can we go over it again?” Eventually the person asking gives up.

 

Flamingo

When things get hectic he likes to grab everyone’s attention by yelling, “listen!, LISTEN! … listen?”

Likes to say “Google this” and then point to … it’s not important.

Noble and majestic 90% of the time. The other 10% we won’t get into.

Voted YES on Proposition ‘Replace Yo’ Face.’

Looking back on life, regrets having not more of a ‘je ne sais fromage’ attitude. Also he wishes he knew French.

 

Capybara

When he gets upset he talks to himself – the thing is, he calls himself ‘toots.’

Set Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” song to pictures of the planet Saturn.

Mails himself threatening postcards around Christmas – it’s a holiday tradition.

He’s a know-it-all. And, what makes it worse is that he’s generally correct.

If there was a black, female Bobby Fisher – he would be her soul mate.

 

Kangaroo

Didn’t hear about ‘Where’s Waldo’ books until college, and the first time someone excitedly shouted ‘Where’s Waldo!’ he assumed it was a euphemism.

An old fashioned gun-slinger, but with horribly racist comments instead of bullets.

Considers himself the Fabio of not showering. (This doesn’t mean anything – all you need to know is, if there’s open seating, you don’t want to sit by him.)

Desperately wants to have a friend dating someone from the panhandle in Oklahoma, so he can say, “what’s wrong? Panhandle the relationship?”

Took an online ‘IQ Test’, tried to look up every answer online, and still didn’t ace it. Ouch.

Animal Facts! (Actual Facts?!!?!)

Yesterday I posted some ‘Animal Facts!’ about jaguars.  This post and this post are about jaguars and are also fun.

Anywho.

Part of the jokes about jaguars came when I found the report I did on jaguars in the 4th grade. My cousin E came over (who helped start the series of jaguar posts I’ve done – again it starts here) and I found the report in my room and we browsed through it. It’s 2 pages of … well, you’ll see. His joke was, “did you just write down everything you read in an encyclopedia?”

When we got to the bibliography we realized that – yes, I just wrote down what I read in an encyclopedia.

The favorite line, by far, is “Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.”

This was not a statement in the encyclopedia, but a brilliant conclusion I came to.

Without further ado …

Jaguars

Jaguars live in forests, grasslands, shrubby areas and many other places. Jaguars used to live in parts of the world like Mexico, Central America, South America, Arizona, Southern California, New Mexico and Texas. Now they only live in Mexico, Central and South America.
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Jaguars eat almost anything. They like deer, fish, wild pigs, tapirs, turtles and capybaras and other rodents. Jaguars hunt mostly on the ground. They usually hunt at night. Jaguars are good swimmers so animals can’t escape into the water. Animals can’t escape up in trees either, because jaguars can catch them there too. Jaguars usually stalk or ambush. Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.
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Both parents are active in raising their young. They stay together for family protection. Jaguars are endangered. People hunt jaguars for their coat. Others hunt them to keep them off their land.
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Jaguars measure from five feet to eight and one-half feet long. They have a one and one-half to two and one-half foot tail. They weigh from 150 to 300 pounds. They have a golden or brownish-yellow fur and lots of spots. The spots on their backs and sides are lightly colored and have borders. There is a dark area in the center of each spot. The spots on the head, legs and underside are black. The jaguar has 32 teeth.
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Jaguars usually live to be about 22 years old. They have one to four kittens each year. The female is usually pregnant for 95 to 110 days. Male and female jaguars live together during mating season. Newborn jaguars weigh one and one-half to two pounds. Jaguars reach full adult size at the age of four years.
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Some interesting facts about jaguars are: Some Indian tribes considered the jaguar a god. The jaguars scientific name is Leo Onca.
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Bibliography
1. World Book Encyopledia
2. Book “Jaguars” by Alan Rabinowitz
3. Magazine “Americans” March 4, 1995
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The funny thing about this picture (and the one shown yesterday) is that they are arguably the best parts of the report – and I had a friend draw them for me. Thanks again Michael W., for the awesome pictures.

 

Animal Facts! (Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar)

*This post is motivated by my somewhat real, somewhat joking love of jaguars (the animal – though the car is nice too). For the history, see my twitter account background, @haikustanley or this post. Also this post is fun.

Jaguar – Physical


Friends call him ‘the regulator’ because he regulates other species’ populations.

“Awwwwwww, look it! Ahhh! He’s eating me!” The person who said this was very proud to have been eaten by a jaguar. (I’m guessing.)

“Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.” (A direct quote from my 4th grade report.)

If he had to get a corporate job, it would probably be in sales. That’s not really interesting, just saying.

True story: he went to get a tattoo and the tattoo artist said, “ok, what do you want?” And the jaguar said, “I don’t know. Something that looks cool.” The tattoo artist said, “no problem.” Four hours later the jaguar had a little tattoo of himself.

 

Jaguar – Emotional


Don’t have a fear of commitment, have a commitment to fear.

Have loved, and lost, and danced like nobody’s watching. Haven’t been to Disneyworld though.

Can’t bring themselves to buy a ‘proud parent’ bumper sticker, but the sentiment is all the same.

Has three emotions: badass, sleeping, other. The ‘other’ category has things like fear and sadness and normal stuff like that.

Wake up full of pity. Wait, no, hunger. Sometimes both.

 

Jaguar – Spiritual


The animal version of a job fair. If you think this doesn’t make sense, you’re right.

BOOM! (That’s what they say randomly, spiritually that is.)

If their aura had a noise it would be the song ‘Duel of the Fates.’

The first time a jaguar found out it was revered as a religious symbol it went and told its dad. The dad chuckled and shook his head and said, “son, you just met your first recruiter. Those guys will say anything to get you to join the Marines.”

Give hugs that could kill a man with how much emotional comfort they provide.

 

Jaguar – Bradual


Sometimes lashes out at zookeepers.

Uses the word ‘pounce’ in 4 out of 5 sentences.

Like real jaguars, marks territory with waste or by clawing trees. Unlike real jaguars, dances while he does these things.

Acts on instincts. Neurotic, weird, pizza-loving instincts.

Drools more than should be legally allowed.

 

The Pictures Above

1) Jaguar – Physical: A tiny toy jaguar from the San Antonio zoo. Behind it is a crappy painting I did for my sister.

2) Jaguar – Emotional: A picture of an actual jaguar.

3) Jaguar – Spiritual: A picture from the 4th grade report I did on jaguars. Come back tomorrow to read the report!

4) Jaguar – Bradual: The notebook I used for the report. The 4 stickers were used to cover when I spelled my name wrong.

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