The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Animal Facts’ Category

Animal Facts! (Lory, Nubian Ibex, Fossa, Butterfly…ish)

Lory

Make spinach and artichoke dip whenever ‘Braveheart’ is on. They call it, ‘Spinach and Brave-Heartichoke dip.’

Ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? HA!

Legs that go for … hours. Zing!

Oh my GOD! I totally just remembered he went out with Becky in fifth grade!

Owe thousands in back taxes.

Bonus Fact!: CRAPPED ON ME!

Nubian Ibex

Is simply maaaaahvelous!

Deliberately says “tapas” in a fuzzy way so you can’t tell if he said tapas or topless.

If he was a book, he’d be in the “Clearance Sale” section.

Wears a t-shirt that says, “Weather is here, wish you were beautiful” at least once a week.

Gets off at 5 today, and then … who knows! (Probably a nap.)

Fossa

Love to play on the word ‘bro.’ Like before going out you’ll likely hear, ‘and away we bro!’ If they get a pep talk, instead of a simple ‘thanks’ it’ll be, ‘dude, you’re my wonder bro.’ Get it? Like a wonder bra. But it’s bro.

“In mine country, mine papa … he would catch the fish! And in mine country! Mine brother, the second one! He would …” (Ugh. Coolest accent. Worst storyteller.)

Loves pistachios almost as much as he hates minorities.

God’s gift to gab.

When he eats chocolate he says “GOD-iva!” He says the ‘God’ part like he’s in the throws of passion. It’d be funny but he’s never actually eaten Godiva chocolate.

Butterfly…ish

Own a cowboy hat with glitter on it.

Lies like a Swedish politician.

Sweats. A lot. It’s adorable. If you’re into sweat.

Uses the word boob as a noun, adjective and verb.

Knows things, maaaaan.

Bonus Fact!: I was trying to take a picture of a butterfly in the butterfly exhibit when this lady’s leg got in the way.

Animal Facts! (Racing Piglets, Prize Winning Cow, Black Panther, Parrot)

Racing Piglets

(note: I took this picture at the Texas State Fair. The pigs had names like ‘Jean Claude van Ham.’)

Had a dream about you last night.

Rates the opposite sex as either: ‘me-ow’ or ‘woof.’

Hey, it’s been real. You know, it’s been fun too. It’s been real … fun …

Own leather pants. I mean … come on … how hysterical is that?

Oh gag me. Just ulghhh. Blehhhh. Blech!

Prize Winning Cow

Would sell his soul to the devil for … you guessed it … a ham sandwich.

Says things that are accidentally funny all the time.

In high school was in a crappy band called “band-wagon.”

Wrote an autobiography of himself and called it My Sparknotes. In the ‘motif’ section he has, “rejection, loneliness, massive amounts of ice cream.”

Calls himself “Rudy, but for chess instead of football.” If you think about it, that’s pretty self-insulting – because Rudy was too small for football, and it’s not your physical size that matters for chess.

Black Panther

Doesn’t understand why contractions mean don’t and won’t, but it also means frightening things for pregnant women.

OMFG!!!! Oh wait, sorry, thought you were someone else.

If pressed, would guess that Paula Deen is 57% butter.

Is very fast to correct you if you say “Barnes & Nobles.” It’s, apparently, “Barnes & Noble.”

Took a break from working to write a lovely note to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, because he’d just been coding in C++, started the comment with ‘//.’

Parrot

Favorite pick-up line is: “Join now and save 10%.”

Is looking down on you right now.

Feels like there probably is a Heaven and Hell. But worries he won’t get into either.

Simply can NOT believe … about whatever stupid latest celebrity news is.

Likes the crusts cut off, thank you very much.

Animal Facts! (Horse, Otter, Long-Spined Sea Urchin, Mandrill Monkey)

Horse

Can’t see the spice ‘dill weed’ without giggling. (What a total dill weed.)

Does a great impression of someone doing a terrible impression of a German accent. Not really, but it’s better to think that’s what he’s doing.

Ewwwwwww! … Oh, ohhhh! Ha. Oh I get it … Still, ew.

Bicycles, unicycles, recycles – you name it, he cycles it.

Regrets to inform you that he is FRESH TO DEATH!

Otter

When he’s in a fight with his girlfriend he talks to a pretend audience, saying, “oh sure, who needs fluid transitions? Change scene as you please.”

Is not platform independent.

Doesn’t know which he has more of: attraction to Burt Reynolds, or fear over his attraction to Burt Reynolds.

Every once and a while says something so poignant and so brilliant – but then you realize you’re just drunk.

Wouldn’t pick Lebron James.

Long-Spined Sea Urchin

Counting down the minutes until the next hour begins.

FOOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Glasses? Check. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Pants? … Of course not.

Loves discovering great, unheard of indie romantic comedies. Also happens to hate 99% of the movies he watches.

Notices you noticing him noticing you.

Mandrill Monkey

Finds you incredibly attractive.

Like a fine wine, gets better with age. Unlike a fine wine, hated by old white people.

Funky. Fresh. Dressed. And ready to party.

When he’s bored he kills time by picturing famous people saying, with dramatic flair, “up your butt and around the corner.”

Refuses to drink Aquafina bottled water – you call that bottled water? He calls it bottled spit. Puh-lease!

Animal Facts! (Panda Bear, Elephant, Shrimp Goby, Parrot)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Panda Bear

Think they do a really good Jamaican accent, but good God it sucks.

Dance, monkey!

Ohhhhhh I get it. It’s funny because it’s … wait, I don’t get it.

Reads The Non-Review.

Like school in the summer – no class!

Elephant

Suave. Sophisticated. And somehow still single – nobody gets it.

Favorite joke is: ‘what did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?’  ‘Make me one with everything.’

Call the cops – we got a reallllll joker on our hands.

Rushes to the sexual stuff. Will you ever learn?

Got fourth place in a Leslie Neilson look-alike contest.

Shrimp Goby

Had the nickname ‘the one man dogsled team’ in high school.

Don’t ask, but honestly, don’t have to. If you catch my drift.

They’re like one of those drug commercials. Everything seems great, but really there’s a huge list of possible downsides.

Fresh to death.

Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight!

Parrot

Texas-two-stepped their way into my nightmares.

Honorable to a fault. I’m not sure what that means. But it applies here.

Music starts when they look in your eyes … but then they notice your poor hygiene.

What a silly goose!

Cutie with a bootie.

Animal Facts (House Cat, Raccoon, Rhinoceros, Sambava Tomato Frog)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Kitty

Own a, I kid you not, a 400 dollar pair of sun glasses.

Just tried on some jeans and all anyone can say is ‘oh, baby.’

Just because he called his friend delicious doesn’t mean he’s gay. He just looked delicious.

Tell people they recycle, but they don’t.

Have the most adorable sneeze.

Raccoon

Have more rhymes than California’s got cops.

Accidentally slapped a date in the face when trying to do the ‘yawn/arm around the shoulder move.’

The very definition of humble.

If you go for a jog and hurt yourself, and this guy comes jogging by? He’ll offer to pick you up and carry you to help. Honest, nicest guy you’ll ever meet.

Once went to a bar and was not slapped OR laughed at after saying, ‘I’ll give you seventy and you can owe me one.’

Rhinoceros

Sexy doesn’t even begin to describe.

If you see one of these guys in a short skirt, call your accountant and invest in gold bonds.

You can say anything you want to these guys, as long as you make it rhyme. For example, “I hate your stupid face, I need a flower vase.” They’ll find this perfectly acceptable.

Love trashy beach romance novels.

Has boots that are made for walkin.’

Sambava Tomato Frog

Has been to Georgia several times but has never fiddle-battled the Devil.

Is a wiz at spelling backwards.

Just hacked into your computer.

Thought ‘being a card counter’ meant they were good at making sure there are 52 cards in a deck.

Does really cool sound affects. Even if you don’t think sound affects are cool, you’d think her sound affects are.

***

Also check this out. My sister told me she saw that at a store, and it’s basically the same thing as my ‘Animal Facts!’ posts. Kind of a bummer that some dude’s off and published for the same crap I’m doing. To be fair he published his book August 2009, so he came up with this odd/stupid idea before I did. Nevertheless, it’s a bummer it’s not me. (Unless, reader, you are that author or one of his friends, in which case help me out?!!)

Ellen, where are you!!!? (To explain … in the ‘… Please?’ section I state my hope of having a drunken intern of Ellen’s ‘discover’ me and get me on her show.)

(Oh and these are all pictures I’ve taken. So take that fancy pants published author.)

Animal Facts! (DumbFunnery, Pig-Nosed Turtle, Zebra, Ostrich)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

DumbFunnery (the animal. not the person)

Thinks he’s being cute, but doesn’t realize he just drooled a little.

So over it.

Emotionally unstable, physically unstabler.

Has told “jokes” that people respond to not by laughing, but by saying, “aww.” (And there, he did it again.)

Can not wait for when it’s finally “acceptable” for American men to wear Capri pants.

Pig-Nosed Turtle

Giggles at the word ‘titillating.’

Is so out of touch. Once heard them say, “my son tex’s all the time – he’s always on his phone texing.”

Just cracked the same joke.

Don’t get me started about getting me started.

Ohhhhhhhhh NO he didn’t!

Zebra

Total dead fish in the sack.

Didn’t get the promotion.

Spends way more than they should on shoes.

They’re not sure if there’s any difference between themselves and deer. But they know with confidence they are not bears.

There really, truly, sincerely, ain’t no mountain high enough. And I mean that.

Ostrich

About two seconds away from a racist joke.

Has a ‘slippery when wet’ tattoo – I won’t tell you where.

They hate being shot, but love being mounted on walls. It’s a real cause for concern in their community.

Extremely beautiful – on the inside.

Laughs along with inside jokes they aren’t actually a part of.

Animal Facts! (Fox of the Courtney Variety, Penguin, Lion, Jelly Fish)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Fox, C


Goes by Courtney, Sweet Lips, Sugar Tits, or Chumbawumba.

Beat Texas in a staring contest.

Physically, doing ok. Emotionally, doing SEXY.

Didn’t get the joke you just made, so she turned it into a joke about bad gas in her head.

Is straight outta Compton.

Penguin

Definite flirt. Acts as though they are unaware, but they totally are.

On the plus side they make the best snickerdoodle you’ll ever eat.

Love math jokes.

They tell great stories – but they’re always stories about ‘a guy I know.’

They like to shout “don’t pre-judge” then moon each other.

Lion

Hate, hate, hate the border patrol.

The most racially hyper-sensitive animal you’ll ever meet.

Hopes to be in corporate by next quarter.

Aren’t sure if you’re kidding when you’re being sarcastic.

Taller than you’d think.

Jelly Fish

Not nearly as funny as he thinks.

Says ‘shoot you an email’ sincerely.

No sense of tradition.

Into kinky stuff.

Smokes that tra-la-la.

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