The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

An Ode to the Non-Review

I posted a challenge here which Dear Mr. Hendrik won hands down. And not just because he was the only person who responded (although that didn’t hurt his odds).

Here’s the challenge:

“My challenge to you, dear reader(s) – come up with an innuendo phrase that involves socioeconomic. The winner of the challenge will get a very crappy poem written to/about/for them. The poem will probably not make sense, but it will rhyme.”

So without further ado!,

An Ode to the Non-Review

Don’t fall for the trick
Of Mr. T.S. Hendrik
And foolishly misconstrue
The “Non”-Review

If I want my dose snark
With a side of review
Or a cat with a caustic remark
I turn to the “Non”-Review

There’s nothing non about his reviews
He’s looking up movies you haven’t seen while you snooze

But what IS The Non-Review?
(If you don’t already) It’s time you knew:

It’s the land of the 7 Word Weekend Skewer
The land of Pete, the large-toothed ne’er doer
The land of the numerically-oriented (Just the facts, ma’am) reviewer
And, lest we should forget, Wilfred Brimley’s never been bluer …

So congratulations to T.S.
Who keeps his fans coming back saying “yes”
Here’s to more Non-Reviews
Something-something, rhyme-aroos

I felt the need for gibberish to end, because I promised that it would rhyme, not that it would make sense.

Want a crappy poem written about you or your blog, or your imaginary cat? Let me know … I may get around to it, if you’re cool enough.

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Du Jour of the Week

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TalkBack!

If you don’t have a fancy smart phone, you’ve probably got a friend with one. They’re everywhere.

If you’ve been around these people enough you may have seen them grab the phone and talk into it. “Call … Grandma.” Then wha-la, the phone calls your grandma. Or possibly Pakistan (that technology isn’t fool-proof just yet).

Anyhow – it inspired in me this app idea.

TalkBack!

Everyone loves teenagers! They’re so precocious, full of zest, and their attitude inspires … something. Don’t you wish you had their colorful outlook all the time? Get TalkBack!

When you speak to your phone, to issue a simple command, TalkBack! kicks in. Several things can happen, just like when you talk to a teenager!

1 – The phone will ignore you.
2 – The phone will respond, letting you know what it thinks of your command. There are over 500 responses with TalkBack! Responses include:

  • Why don’t you make the call? Lazy much?
  • Huh?
  • Hold on, I’m busy.
  • Oh my God you are kidding – you seriously want me to do that!?
  • Uh … what? Sorry every time you open your mouth I stop paying attention. But sure, try to tell me what it was you said again.

3 – The phone will turn off.

4 – The phone will explain how the F in English is because you’ve yet to get the latest video game, because, I mean really, so much time is wasted walking to and from the friends house who has that game and that time could be spent reading.

5 – The phone will do what you say.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Crappy College Poetry – “Reaction”

In college I wrote a number of poems that were dumb funny (hey, I’m consistent in my approach). With a few I actually tried to be sweet, like to woo my then-girlfriend. I know I’m not a good poet, but I enjoy writing these little things. And I found this self-hating one funny. This one is called “Reaction” and it was a poem about my then-girlfriends reaction to all the bad poetry coming her way.

If I had to guess, this poem was probably written to get her to say she did like my poetry.

Reaction

I’m sick, sick, sick of your “poetry”

Great. Another five year old’s rhyme, written for me.

*

Why do boyfriends think they’re unique?

Bad poems by a math guy? You made my week.

*

Do me a favor, please, take your time.

It’s not necessarily good if you make it rhyme.

*

Haven’t you noticed the hints when you read to me?

Big yawns, my staring at the clock, longingly!?

*

It’s not just boredom, it’s even my health

My eyes have rolled so much I’m stuck looking at myself.

*

The first time it was sweet

But now, my dear, notice my exit on fleet feet.

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