The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

De Jour of the Week (12/20/10)

It’s Christmas. I’m allowed to be sappy. I couldn’t think of a name for this so I decided the mocking myself title. Thanks also to Hendrik who has called me that.

Oh You Old Sentimental So-and-So

Summer’s smiling her sweet sunshine down on me,
And she,
And he,
Now we’ve got ourselves a merry little gang called we

We’re going outside now because it smells so fresh the day must’ve just come out of the bakers
And I’d ask if there were any takers
But on a day like this when a gang of we forms we already know everywhere the world is made up of all-the-sudden movers and shakers

Grab your shoes and take them off
Grab your cares and throw them off
(And if someone dares mention responsibility just scoff)

Suddenly we find ourselves in a game of I-forgot-the-name
The fun thing about playing some game with no name is it’s the same as any other no-name game
The rules are voluntary
But if you like order and rules and find voluntary rules scary
Then fine, the rules are in-voluntary
Just don’t bother explaining them because we don’t want to tarry

Lazy smiles
On tiny faces somehow go for miles

Laughter competes with birds’ chirps competes with the leaves
In the breeze
For your ear buds attention
And did I forget to mention?
There’s some princess needs rescuing, and dragon needs slaying, and magic spell practicing to be done with the gang of we’s imagination

A moment hits and the day freezes
And if it so pleases,
I’ll repeat the thought that just ran through your smart, smiling, sun-freckled mind
Across this park right now a prince was just knighted, a touchdown scored, the laws of physics ignored as you blast off into outer space – and all things of this kind
You take it all in
Knowing there’s no place you’d rather be than this particular when

And he,
And she,
And me,
(Remember our little gang of we?)
Couldn’t be more happy

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De Jour of the Week (12/13/10)

Thank You for Coming

Ladies and gentlemen of the press
Stop saying my campaign is a mess
Despite the rumors I’m not here to ‘confess’
I’m …

I am here to explain
That I am not insane
It may cause my wife, mother, father, children, anyone who knows me – pain
(Oh and those who donated to my campaign)

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 100 times
I’m not behind the incident with those reindeer and mimes
It was, as you know, an evil imposter
Who is no longer gainfully employed on my campaign roster

As for why I had been employing an evil imposter?
I say how dare you sir!!
My campaign manager clearly was in charge of employment
Three strikes you’re out so packing he was sent!

Changing topics, isn’t my wife great?
On a scale of one to five, she’s an eight!
Oh and speaking of eight … let me again apologize
(You know for me it was just as big a surprise)
Me? With multiple personality disorder??
All of you said, ‘well that seems a tall order.’

But it’s the only explanation for my rampant cheating –
And not remembering a single clandestine meeting …
A single hot, steamy, amazing, fantastically good clandestine meeting …

Anyway.
What was I about to say?

Oh! Summer vacation should be a private event
I only had my shirt off for one brief moment …
But the tattoo seen and heard about
Will be removed without a doubt!
(And no, my tattoo will not now be shown
But in case it’s not already known):
‘Lie?
Clarify?
Who will know the difference but I?’
Obviously this does not represent me
Though it sometimes represents my mysterious, yet real, other personality.

And now, if I may, a quick laundry list
Sincerest apologies if there’s anyone I’ve missed –
Sorry to all of the pet shops in this county
Sorry to the Rosemary Hotel’s group that gathers for afternoon tea
Sorry to those, uh, *select* few who found out I have a web camera
For that matter sorry to anyone who ever left me alone with their camera
Sorry to everyone in pages 74, 115, 148, and 96 of any phone books
Sorry, though you’re inanimate, to our lovely parks giant chess board’s two white rooks.

A particular apology to my wife
Who has stood by me all my adult life
Actually that reminds me –
Tight gun control has become very important recently
Like, did you know it’s legal for your spouse to just go buy a gun?
And shoot blanks at you for fun?

Anywho, I digress
I’d apologize to my kids but instead I’ll say: suppress, suppress, suppress

I’m a joker of course
And as my voice is getting hoarse
I will call this to a close
But first a shocking fact so your brain grows –
Out-of-wedlock pregnancy is on the rise
To deal with that I can’t even surmise
I assure you I’m researching this personally
Because an issue is irrelevant unless it affects me

Thank you, I’ve been great!
I’d stay for questions but I don’t like to work that late

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De Jour of the Week (12/6/10)

Shocking Celebrity News!

Well-known actor Keanu Reeves today was shocked to learn that he is, in fact, an actor. Upon learning the news Reeves was heard to utter, “whoa,” and, “so I don’t know kung-fu?”

Reeves, who is best known for playing a rather dim-witted but likable character in <movie name here>, is “eh, he’s ok” by 77% of movie-goers.

At first paparazzi laughed when they observed Keanu’s shock at finding out he was an actor. Then they realized the joke was just “too good,” as paparazzi Joe “I watch you while you sleep” Meyerson put it. “At first I thought, wow what a great joke Keanu!, then I was like, wait a minute … this is Keanu!”

Meyerson then began to quiz Reeves, asking him about what he thought certain times of his life were if not movies.

Said Keanu,

“Look, I took a bus once, and then I decided to never take one again. Are you kidding me? That was so scary.”

“The NFL is incredibly tough. I have so much respect for those guys. Not only do they go out there and play every … whatever day that is, but they also have to work out coordinated song-and-dance numbers in case they get arrested. That’s why after that season I retired.”

“What’s a phone booth? Oh you mean me and Bill! … Look, it was a phase. I time-traveled. Give me a break.”

Meyerson’s last question to Keanu was an important one to fans of this great (actor) everywhere – “now that you know you’re an actor … will this impact your acting style?”

Said Reeves, “I just realized I’m not wearing pants. Is that ok?”

Keanu Reeves fans rejoice, because he looks to be the same fantastic actor we’ve all come to unwillingly and oddly know and love.

[In other news … if you haven’t seen this site I find it pretty funny: http://sadkeanu.tumblr.com/]

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