The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Short Short Stories’ Category

Meanwhile, in an NES Game

– Honey … Do you hear that?
– Woah! Who is that coming to our house in the middle of the night?
– I don’t know, but I’m afraid.
– Don’t be, darling, I’m sure he won’t –
– He just walked in.
– Well, so he did.
– …
– …
– He just walked right by us!
– Is he … Is he going for our cabinets?
– What kind of person is this!? He’s just – wait he just took some of our food!
– Do something, dear!
– Do what!? Do you see that sword he has clipped to his side?
– Yes but … You could say something!
– He’s not coming for us, I say we just ignore it.
– Oh … He’s left.
– See, that wasn’t so bad. We’re just short some food, but we still have our lives.

(Some time later)

– He’s back!
– Ah! Maybe this time he’ll …
– Nope. He’s just gone and taken our food again.
– Sure enough.
– Why did you restock the pantry already!?

(Some time later)

– Swordy is back.
– Uh oh.
– You restocked the pantry again?
– The house feels incomplete if I haven’t!
– Ugh.
– You know I get the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually spoken to us before, but for some reason we can never remember and we end up saying the same things over and over to him so he just ignores us now.
– Right, like we don’t have any memory whatsoev … Are you restocking the pantry?
– Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I?

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Short Short Stories

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The Day the Oceans Stopped

There are in the world, at any given moment, roughly fifty personalities that are so strong even being in the same room with one of them gives you a sense of accomplishment.

One might think, given the strength of these personalities, that they would naturally be world leaders or CEOs or some other position of power and great influence. This is not true. The fifty or so people range in careers. At one time, as recently as the 1970s, one of them was actually a sheep herder. The young man owned four outfits and yet he could have been monumental in bringing about an age of peace and prosperity the likes of which the world has rarely seen.

Why are these personalities being spoken of? Because of the Earth-shattering change that recently happened.

Everyone of course remembers the way the ocean tides stopped recently. That was pretty noticeable. Also noticeable was how one side of the Earth has been dark for a few days straight now. It’s distracting, to say the least.

These big events have overshadowed another big event, which, scientists now believe, was the cause of the more news-worthy items. I’m talking about the explosion at the recently opened McDonald’s in Jiayuguan, China. A grease fire mishandled at a McDonald’s. How that is not a more common news bulletin is another matter entirely.

The most shocking item is that, by pure chance, eighteen of the fifty personalities were in that area and tragically were killed in the explosion.

Some people believe the world revolves around them. It is a foolish misconception sparked by their own vanity. For those roughly fifty people, this sentiment is true.

And this is why the world has stopped revolving.

‘Who will the world revolve around now that you’re dead?,’ this is the question foremost on the minds of every citizen of the world.

The world is at a standstill, literally, with an abundance of people who think the world revolves around them, and a definite shortage of those who make the world go round.

(This was inspired by this joking quote from Tim Minchin, “My last words are going to be, ‘Who’s the world going to revolve around now?'”)

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Short Short Stories

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Slow Motion Girl’s Big Break

(Ring … ring … ring …)
Dad: Hey Lisa, how are you!?
Lisa: Dad! I’m GREAT!
Dad: Wow, you do sound excited! What’s got you in such a good mood?
Lisa: (Giggles) Well … Want to grab mom?
Dad: That big, huh!? Yeah, I’ll grab her. Julie! … JULIE!
Lisa: Dad the house isn’t that big, you can just –
Dad: JULIE!
Mom: What?
Lisa: … (Exhales)
Dad: Lisa’s on the phone! She’s got great news!
Mom: She’s got great booze? Hold on, let me pick up the phone.
Dad: Mom wants to know if you have great booze.
(Click.)
Mom: Hello?
Lisa: Booze?
Dad: Hey! Everyone’s here!
Mom: You called home to talk about booze?
Dad: Is that your news? News about booze?
Mom: Honey are you ok?
Lisa: Agh! Stop it! No! I have great NEWS.
Mom: Ohhhh … Good … And it’s not about booze, right?
Lisa: No, mom, it’s not about booze.
Mom: Good.
Lisa: Ok … ready?
Mom: Yes!
Dad: Yes!
Lisa: I … am … going to be … in a BIG BUDGET MOVIE!!
Mom: That’s GREAT!
Dad: All right!!!
Lisa: I know! I’m super super excited! It’s an Adam Sandler movie, so it’s not like it’s the brainiest thing ever but –
Dad: Oh he’s famous!
Mom: Yeah, I’ve heard of him! He’s very famous!
Lisa: Yeah, he’s famous, I mean, it’s not like it’s an intelligent movie or anything –
Dad: Is it Happy Gilmore?
Mom: Oh, Happy Gilmore Two? Happy Gil-even-more?
Dad: Oh I like that! Are you his daughter?
Lisa (Annoyed)… Can I talk? Please?
Dad: Yes. Sorry.
Lisa: … Ok … So … It’s just a small role, but I’m going to be in the COMMERCIAL for the movie too! How crazy is that!?
Dad: Wow! Honey, that is SO GREAT!
Mom: We are SO proud of you, darling!
Lisa: Thanks guys!
Mom: So what role do you play? Do you have to go … what’s it called … study someone and learn to be like them?
Lisa: Um … well … I think it’s more … Hollywood is tricky, you know? Like you do something that’s pretty trivial, (speaking very quickly) and maybe a little bit demeaning, and then all the sudden you’re KNOWN! And you get a little bit better role next time! And the time after that! And soon you can be choosy!
Dad: …
Mom: … Honey, what kind of movie did you say this was?
Lisa: It’s a comedy! I just …
Dad: What’s your part in the movie?
Lisa: (Big sigh) I um … I jog by … In slow motion and …
Dad: …
Mom: …
Lisa: Um … and I … just … look like … a lady.

Really, how does this conversation go?

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Short Short Stories

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