The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Fish

January 11, 2011

From the Bible, Matthew 15:35-15:36, “He [Jesus] told the crowd [4000 people] to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all ate, and were satisfied.”

Original Fish: Wow! What is happening here?

Second Fish: Hey buddy! Aren’t you a handsome fella! (Laughs.)

Original: STOP THIS! STOP THIS MADNESS!

14th Fish: You know, normally I don’t like big crowds – but this group I feel like I can get along with. (Laughs.)

Original: Why? Why is someone cloning so many of me!

30th Fish: Is it a little hot in here or is it just all of you! (Laughs.)

Original: You know – you’d think someone would have a little respect for nature, and how God made us – but this guy here is just recreating me willy-nilly.

42nd Fish: Hey let’s sing row-row-row your boat! Staggered start-times and everything! Ready? Row-row-row your boat …

Original: Why would someone even clone so many of many?! What is the purpose?!

100th Fish: Oh how embarrassing – we’re all wearing the same thing! (Laughs.)

Random Human: Let’s eat!

Original: Oh.

Now you know why fish have that googly-eyed shock look all the time. Buh-dum-dum!

Category:

Short Short Stories

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De Jour of the Week (1/10/11)

January 10, 2011

Motto

Tomato, tomah-to
Here’s my motto
Drink til you’re happy
Not til you’re sappy

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Du Jour of the Week

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Animal Facts! (Actual Facts?!!?!)

January 7, 2011

Yesterday I posted some ‘Animal Facts!’ about jaguars.  This post and this post are about jaguars and are also fun.

Anywho.

Part of the jokes about jaguars came when I found the report I did on jaguars in the 4th grade. My cousin E came over (who helped start the series of jaguar posts I’ve done – again it starts here) and I found the report in my room and we browsed through it. It’s 2 pages of … well, you’ll see. His joke was, “did you just write down everything you read in an encyclopedia?”

When we got to the bibliography we realized that – yes, I just wrote down what I read in an encyclopedia.

The favorite line, by far, is “Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.”

This was not a statement in the encyclopedia, but a brilliant conclusion I came to.

Without further ado …

Jaguars

Jaguars live in forests, grasslands, shrubby areas and many other places. Jaguars used to live in parts of the world like Mexico, Central America, South America, Arizona, Southern California, New Mexico and Texas. Now they only live in Mexico, Central and South America.
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Jaguars eat almost anything. They like deer, fish, wild pigs, tapirs, turtles and capybaras and other rodents. Jaguars hunt mostly on the ground. They usually hunt at night. Jaguars are good swimmers so animals can’t escape into the water. Animals can’t escape up in trees either, because jaguars can catch them there too. Jaguars usually stalk or ambush. Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.
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Both parents are active in raising their young. They stay together for family protection. Jaguars are endangered. People hunt jaguars for their coat. Others hunt them to keep them off their land.
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Jaguars measure from five feet to eight and one-half feet long. They have a one and one-half to two and one-half foot tail. They weigh from 150 to 300 pounds. They have a golden or brownish-yellow fur and lots of spots. The spots on their backs and sides are lightly colored and have borders. There is a dark area in the center of each spot. The spots on the head, legs and underside are black. The jaguar has 32 teeth.
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Jaguars usually live to be about 22 years old. They have one to four kittens each year. The female is usually pregnant for 95 to 110 days. Male and female jaguars live together during mating season. Newborn jaguars weigh one and one-half to two pounds. Jaguars reach full adult size at the age of four years.
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Some interesting facts about jaguars are: Some Indian tribes considered the jaguar a god. The jaguars scientific name is Leo Onca.
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Bibliography
1. World Book Encyopledia
2. Book “Jaguars” by Alan Rabinowitz
3. Magazine “Americans” March 4, 1995
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The funny thing about this picture (and the one shown yesterday) is that they are arguably the best parts of the report – and I had a friend draw them for me. Thanks again Michael W., for the awesome pictures.

 

Category:

Animal Facts

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