The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

De Jour of the Week (4/12/10)

April 12, 2010

The Last Bite

The menu’s placed in front of me
Each item looks like a delicacy
The promise of food makes me act so kindly

Yes, yes, yes, maybe, yes, ooooh! YES!
Now close the menu so I don’t second-guess

I order and await my feast
Licking my chops like some kind of beast

Ok, waiter, what’s up?, where’s the food?
I’m here for fowl, not a foul mood
You walk out with a plate! … but it’s for some other dude.

My anger flies out the window with the arrival of my plate
Don’t ever forget that food will always placate

The smells are wafting
Dig in and stop the small-talking

The first bite is delicious
The second bite is delicious
The third bite, the fourth bite, the fifth bite … delicious

Soon I take a deep breath to give myself a rest
I’m probably already full, but I still attack with a zest

A refill?, yes, please, my stomach skin needs a good stretching
While compliments to the chef, the waiter, the world – I’m singing

Ohh … ohhh no
Here we go
My fork-steering has gotten awfully slow

I’m full, I know it, why won’t I stop chewing?
Honestly I’m one bite away from moo-ing

Geez, it looks like I haven’t even made a dent!
This restaurant’s owner is some God-awful malcontent!

Do not pass go, do not collect 200 hundred dollars, go directly to stuffed and agitated
Just a short while ago I was upset because my hunger made me aggravated
And now I’m a balloon, a raft, a floaty – I’m inflated

But, I still need to take one last bite
My arm is moving, the food is coming at me, my body is angry at the sight

The teeniest, tiniest, it-won’t-make-a-difference sliver
The stomach just needs to expand a bit, so move aside liver

I hate food, I hate movement, I hate everything
The idea of eating out again is dizzying
And yet, the dessert menu is strangely tempting …

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Du Jour of the Week

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My Zombie Roomy (4/10/10)

April 10, 2010

4/10/10
Did you know zombies can giggle? I sure didn’t.

When I came back from running some errands, the Zombie was watching ‘Searching for Bobby Fisher’ and giggling! It was amazing.

I’d seen the movie before, and it didn’t do much for me. Chess. Board. Genius. Eh. I’ll admit that when I was about twenty minutes into the movie the idea of becoming really good at chess occurred to me – but then about ten minutes later I was wishing I wasn’t watching the movie.

It’s really interesting to me what he was giggling about! I asked him and he gave me this sly look and sort of bit his lip (if he had done that like a month ago, during my ‘is the Zombie gay?’ phase, I would’ve totally freaked out).

If you can think of anything – please let me know.

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My Zombie Roomy

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Weekly Wacko (28)

April 8, 2010

So, A Bear and a Kid Walk Into a Bar

When I was in kindergarten, first and second grades my family lived in Alaska. This provided us with a lot of unique memories, and one of them came on a particular camping trip.

Before you were allowed to find your site and get set up, you had to stop by a park ranger type area to do some things. In at least one of these information/check-in areas, they had a TV on with a video playing about ‘bear safety,’ among other things. What do you do if you run into a bear, especially a female brown bear with kids? Find religion. The videos had some other suggestions, but I think my suggestion is as good as any.

When we went camping it was a lot of fun. The cold weather in the mornings, sleeping on the ground, the constant thought of bears – I loved it. I loved it so much that I opted to sleep in the car.

I actually did really enjoy camping. But I’m nobody’s fool (a car is far more comfortable).

One night, located in my luxurious backseat of Margerie the Mini-Van (other Stanley family cars have been Nancy the Volvo and Yoda the Toyota), I realized I needed to use the bathroom. I tried to see if I could hold off, but no, I couldn’t.

I snuck out of the car and closed the door as quietly as possible.

I started sneaking toward my parents tent – not wanting to wake up everyone, just my Mother (who else would I expect to be my personal bathroom expedition leader?).

Finally I made it to my parents tent, where my Mom was inside.

She was awake.

Completely awake.

Very alert.

And pretty sure that the smartest bear ever was slowly unzipping the flap for the tent she and my father were in.

Man I love camping!

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Weekly Wacko

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