The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dessert’

Attn: Ellen (12/23/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Christmas no longer holds the level of crazy excitement that it had when I was a child … but it could.

If, on the day after Thanksgiving, I stopped having desserts til Christmas day … Oh man, look out for Christmas. I would buy and wrap doughnuts, cookies, the odd candy bar or two, M&M’s, chocolate covered raisins, ice cream!

BUT. I’m too grown up for that …? Sure, we’ll say it’s that.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

De Jour of the Week (4/12/10)

The Last Bite

The menu’s placed in front of me
Each item looks like a delicacy
The promise of food makes me act so kindly

Yes, yes, yes, maybe, yes, ooooh! YES!
Now close the menu so I don’t second-guess

I order and await my feast
Licking my chops like some kind of beast

Ok, waiter, what’s up?, where’s the food?
I’m here for fowl, not a foul mood
You walk out with a plate! … but it’s for some other dude.

My anger flies out the window with the arrival of my plate
Don’t ever forget that food will always placate

The smells are wafting
Dig in and stop the small-talking

The first bite is delicious
The second bite is delicious
The third bite, the fourth bite, the fifth bite … delicious

Soon I take a deep breath to give myself a rest
I’m probably already full, but I still attack with a zest

A refill?, yes, please, my stomach skin needs a good stretching
While compliments to the chef, the waiter, the world – I’m singing

Ohh … ohhh no
Here we go
My fork-steering has gotten awfully slow

I’m full, I know it, why won’t I stop chewing?
Honestly I’m one bite away from moo-ing

Geez, it looks like I haven’t even made a dent!
This restaurant’s owner is some God-awful malcontent!

Do not pass go, do not collect 200 hundred dollars, go directly to stuffed and agitated
Just a short while ago I was upset because my hunger made me aggravated
And now I’m a balloon, a raft, a floaty – I’m inflated

But, I still need to take one last bite
My arm is moving, the food is coming at me, my body is angry at the sight

The teeniest, tiniest, it-won’t-make-a-difference sliver
The stomach just needs to expand a bit, so move aside liver

I hate food, I hate movement, I hate everything
The idea of eating out again is dizzying
And yet, the dessert menu is strangely tempting …

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