The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

4/6/10

I don’t know what part of the brain it is that does this – but I really enjoy combining two words together. Like celebrity names. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes equals TomKat. That sort of thing.

It’s very idiotic, but it’s very pleasing when you get a good combination out of it. If I had to guess, I would bet the same part of my brain that enjoys this is also the part of my brain that enjoys sock puppets and jokes about ham sandwiches (‘why didn’t the guy eat the ham sandwich? Because the sandwich was complimenting him!’ … get it? Like the sandwich is a ham? Would you believe I just thought of that?)

Anyway I wanted to think of a combination for the Zombie and I. That’s when I realized I don’t even have a nickname for him! Just something to call him besides the Zombie. For a while I thought maybe I’d call him ‘Zomb’, or ‘the great Zombino.’

I’ll admit to saying something he did, “was the Zomb!”

The Zombie and I both wish I hadn’t said that.

Anyway, other possible names have been: “the Zoombmate,” “all I wanna do is go-uh zoom, zoom, zoom, with the Zomb, Zomb, Zomb,” (too long a name, otherwise perfect), “Ombie,” (too emasculating), “Z”, “el Z,” (that was a hit for about a week after he and I watched Zorro), “Butt Face,” (he and I were playing co-op on this one video game and … well, he sucks).

I’ll keep thinking on this name thing. Something good is bound to come to me.

Work has been pretty crazy lately so I haven’t had as much time to hang out. What’s weird is this: I think I may actually miss this brain-dead freak. (Don’t tell him I said that though.)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Panda Bear

Think they do a really good Jamaican accent, but good God it sucks.

Dance, monkey!

Ohhhhhh I get it. It’s funny because it’s … wait, I don’t get it.

Reads The Non-Review.

Like school in the summer – no class!

Elephant

Suave. Sophisticated. And somehow still single – nobody gets it.

Favorite joke is: ‘what did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?’  ‘Make me one with everything.’

Call the cops – we got a reallllll joker on our hands.

Rushes to the sexual stuff. Will you ever learn?

Got fourth place in a Leslie Neilson look-alike contest.

Shrimp Goby

Had the nickname ‘the one man dogsled team’ in high school.

Don’t ask, but honestly, don’t have to. If you catch my drift.

They’re like one of those drug commercials. Everything seems great, but really there’s a huge list of possible downsides.

Fresh to death.

Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight!

Parrot

Texas-two-stepped their way into my nightmares.

Honorable to a fault. I’m not sure what that means. But it applies here.

Music starts when they look in your eyes … but then they notice your poor hygiene.

What a silly goose!

Cutie with a bootie.

4/5/2010
Who doesn’t have a love-hate with Wal-Mart?

An Ode to Wal-Mart

Love me tender,
Love me big-spender,
Love me some Wal-Mart in all its splendor.

Someone is blocking the aisle, “excuse me misssss … ter?”
Don’t get me started on that confusing disaster.

So overweight that using the automatic wheelchair causes you to work up a sweat …
It’s almost too pathetic to make fun of … almost, but not yet.

You’re paying for condoms with some food stamps –
Ladies left town and all we have now are tramps.

A personal cell phone call with your apparently deaf friend about cramps, sure, that’s appropriate –
The disgusted ‘this is personal!’ look you give to anyone who unwillingly overhears is what they get!

Your leopard print, skin tight pajama pants are impressive –
The image it’s seared into my brain is oppressive.

Your child is crying, wrecking your A-game with that hunk of burning (STDs) love –
Would you mind handling everything you ever, EVER touch with a latex glove?

‘Born in the USA!’ t-shirt worn with mustard-stained, one-size-too-small, pride –
I’m guessing the truck with a Confederate flag and missing headlight is your ride?

What’s this? A cute sight? A daddy playing with his daughter!
Ew. He just checked out that teenage chick. Just more Wal-Mart fodder.

Your child is wearing a shirt that says, “bitch give me a hot dog” –
Methinks during pregnancy you couldn’t resist the eggnog?

Emaciated, and overweight –
How did you reach a feat so great?
Yes, I love me some Wal-Mart,
It’s near and dear to my heart,
And when we finally decide to do some fix-ups on America it’s a great big beacon of where to start.

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