The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘band’

An Egregious Error

This is the name of my imaginary band.

Below are the members of the band.

Jimmy “the onesy” Franklin – Jimmy’s almost as neurotic as he is short. He’s average height. He plays the lead guitar and can’t sing for anything but we love him anyway. He got drunk and tried to paint flames on the side of his 2004 Toyota Corolla, and he ended up with a dragon painted on the side of his car. You can’t get much cooler than that.

Lisa “don’t call me” Johhannssenn – She plays the tambourine. She’s got a nice smile … She’s … everyone hates her, but she makes the best snacks.

Me – Lead vocals on a good day, unknowingly singing into a muted mic on most days. I am to style what cat ladies are to good-smelling. I love a good sandwich, but I hate your face.

Squatty (last name unknown) – The only good member of the band. He’s in shackles in the corner. We keep telling him we’ll let him go, but … he’s the only reason we got our first record into some stores. Concerts are a problem though. Stockholm Syndrome, kick in!

Our first CD was called, “Wake Up and Smell the – Dang, I Peed the Bed.”

Track 1 – “Shut Up Your Face”
Track 2 – “I’m Sorry Darling, I Shouldn’t Have Told You to Shut Up Your Face”
Track 3 – “Houston, We Have a Problem … And I Blame Society”
Track 4 – “OMFG ROFL I’m So Lonely”
Track 5 – “You Look Charming in That Thong”
Track 6 – “Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Nobody. … Oh, Wait, It’s the Pizza Guy! Who’s Got Cash??”
Track 7 – “Eat Your Heart Out, Al Roker”
Track 8 – “Cannabilism – Hot Or Not?”
Track 9 – “If I Was Anymore Inept I’d Be … Um … I Forgot”
Track 10 – “THAT’S What a Suppository Is??”
Track 11 – “What Does the Word ‘Outro’ Mean?”
Track 12 – “Ladies and Gentlemen For the First Time We Introduce Mr. and Mrs. Who Gives a Ship”


If you follow the NFL, you’re aware that a big deal has been made about head-hunting hits (trying to hit guys helmet-to-helmet, that sort of thing). These are big, mean dudes flying really fast at other big, mean dudes. They’ve got pads and helmets on which they use as, essentially, tools to hit harder.

My opinion (just an opinion) is that it’s not a bad thing to limit crazy big hits. Yes, it’s fun to watch a guy light into another guy in football, but it’s not worth it if the damage delivered is severe.

Enough boring – now for my jokesy story. This is a football player and a doctor. The football player has suffered a concussion.


Doc:Hey, how do you feel?
Player: Great. Absolutely great.
Doc: That’s good. No hangover effects from the concussion?
Player: From the what?
Doc: … The concussion.
Player: Hmm. It’s hard to understand you when you make up fake words, doc.
Doc: … Concussion?
Player: Xylophone.
Doc: I don’t understand.
Player: You make up a fake word like concussion, then I make up a fake word like xylophone.
Doc: I see.
Player: What’s your word mean? My word’s an instrument.
Doc: Ah, so … you received some brain damage, and I just wanted to see if you’re ok.
Player: Ohhhhh. Did my brother win, then?
Doc: Come again?
Player: We were playing some football for fun.
Doc: Let me guess, without helmets?
Player: What’s a helmet? Nah, I’m kidding, doc. But yeah, we weren’t wearing helmets.
Doc: (flips through charts) How many concussions HAVE you gotten over the years?
Player: (laughs) Doc, you keep talking about instruments! Concussions and xylophones. You want to form a band or something?
Doc: Do you know what year it is?
Player: Doc, you and I both know a bit about the brain. Every brain can hold 500 facts. If I had to remember the year, I’d forget about a play, and coach would be angry about that.
Doc: … I can’t tell if you’re joking.
Player: Listen, maybe I don’t know how to build a space ship or read, but I can hit a guy really hard, really fast.
Doc: And you can play the concussion pretty well.
Player: (laughs) Hell yeah I can, doc.

Weekly Wacko (50)


A few things from this weekend.

1) Yesterday a work buddy and I went to the SMU v Rice game at Rice. Rice is like the Houston version of SMU, but Rice didn’t strike me as being as snobby as SMU (though I am admittedly biased against SMU in this case).

SMU won, which was the best part of the game.

BUT. A close second was Rice’s band.

During halftime the Rice band took the field. They had a group of maybe 8 guys in shorts and shirts off to one side. Then I noticed they were tossing a Frisbee. Oh and apparently a fake/prop/empty keg was being dragged around by one guy … Hey, those shirts are all polo and the collars are popped …

That’s when I realized that those Rice students were doing their best impression of SMU students. This cracked me up pretty good. One of the Rice students also had a fake muscle-man outfit on with no shirt on over it.

The band played some songs then stripped off their band uniforms to reveal that underneath all of them were wearing ‘SMU outfits.’

Awesome show.

2) This book I’m reading for class keeps referencing Dilbert. I started to think I should go buy one of those Dilbert books because I’d probably enjoy it more now …

That’s when my brain stopped and I was sad for myself.

Corporate Brad indeed.

3) I’m wearing an Arizona Diamondbacks t-shirt today. I like this shirt. For a while – during the most heated of the news stories on Arizona and immigration laws – I didn’t wear the t-shirt. This is because Arizona became associated with some bad things. Protesters would even show up to Diamondbacks games when they traveled out of state to play.

I want to make it clear that I am pro Arizona Diamondbacks. Anti racism. When I want to support racism I’ll get a t-shirt that says, “let’s go racists – race it up!” Or whatever it is the KKK wears underneath their white robes.


Well, that’s enough crazy for today. Time to make some pancakes for myself.

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