The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘baseball’

Attn: Ellen (7/16/14)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Now that the World Cup is over, what sport should Americans pay a marginal amount of attention to? Baseball of course!

Baseball answers all of the important summertime questions like

1) Just how bored am I?

2) Is there anything worse on TV than this infomercial?

3) How is grandpa taking another nap on the couch?

Let’s hear it for America’s favorite pastime, a sport that inspires daydreams and a love of stadiums with wi-fi. Oh look, since I started writing this the pitcher threw a strike! Hooray!


Why am I doing this?

Which Sport is Best?

It’s impossible to say which sport is best because it’s a purely subjective matter. But here’s one thing we can all agree on – attractiveness. With that in mind, it’s easy to determine which sport is best by an attractive representative from each sport.

I looked for countless hours at the most attractive athletes from soccer, football, and baseball and found that the sports come to a surprising draw with not a single attractive athlete. I know, I’m surprised too. From there I went to the next obvious choice: the referees.


Pierluigi Collina – Soccer

Soccer Referee

Pierluidi’s calling you out … for a candle-lit dinner.

Gene Steratore – NFL

NFL Referee

Gene wants you to know he’d never call you encroachment on your sexual advances.


Jim Joyce – Baseball

Baseball Referee

Jim caught a look in the mirror … Obviously, what he saw was jaw-dropping.

Now that you’ve seen a representative referee for these sports you will undoubtedly come to the same conclusion as myself: we, the fans, are the winners because we get to witness them in action every game.

Baseball Walk Out Songs

Normal Walk Out Song

Fairly High Pressure Situation (let’s say 2 outs, runner in scoring position)

HIGH PRESSURE – Bottom of the 9th, 2 outs, down by 1 run!

If the Pitcher or Opposing Coach is Named Dave

I would be such a great baseball player for the fans, but AWFUL for the team.

%d bloggers like this: