The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘civil war’

Exchanges with Recently Awoken Coma-Patients through U.S. History

December, 1620

“Wow you have such beautiful cheek bones!”
“Thank you … I feel so groggy … Was I out long? Where am I?”
“You’re in your … My … Yes, my yard.”
“Oh, it’s very nice. It reminds me of my home.”
“You don’t say.”

July, 1693

“Well, in my professional opinion, witches aren’t real.”
“Whaaaat!? But all those teenage girls in Salem kept figuring out who the witches were!, and it was crazy too because ALL of the witches were people the teenage girls didn’t like!”
“Yeah … I’ll be back later … You just think about that.”

August, 1776

“What do you plan to do now that you’re back in good health?”
“Head back to jolly old England! My beloved home!”
“TRAITOR!”

April, 1836

“What was I saying?”
“You were trying to remember something …”
“Right, well I was trying to remember the Alamo …”
“Excuse me, sorry to cut you off but I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to wear a very ugly hat with some sort of faux-animal thing going on.”
“Would there be a tail attached to this ugly hat?”
“Yes!”

May, 1865

“How do you feel?”
“Ummm … What state am I in?”
“Why do you ask?”
“No reason … Do you prefer the color grey … or the color blue?”
“No! We’re past that! The U.S. is united again!”
“Ah. So you’re an optimist?”

November, 1929

“You were in a coma for a loooong time!”
“Well, glad to be back.”
“Yeah … You won’t be glad soon.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Can I borrow some money?”
“Sure! Easy-come, easy-go, baby!”

December, 1963

“The president’s been killed!”
“Dear God!”
“And you’ve been drafted!”
“Say what now?”

September, 1973

“Willie Mays hit another home run!”
“Wow! What a record he must have! I bet no one will ever break that!”
“I know it! And if anyone does, I bet that person is bad in the sack and also grumpy.”
“Agreed.”

January, 2000

“Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year!? So it’s Y2K? Did it … Did our fears come true?”
“Are you one of those types that say ‘last people on Earth – oh no! Well, might as well have sex …?’
“We’re both men.”
“So is that yes or no?”

November, 2008

“OJ did it!”
“That murder trial’s been going on this long?”

February, 2009

“We’ve got a black president!”
“Black president of what?”
“The U.S.!”
“The U.S. of what?”
“The United States of America!”
“This does not surprise me in the least. Not one bit.”

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Short Short Stories

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A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

On this political night I’ll share a story that is rarely told about Abraham Lincoln. Yes, it makes him seem sexist, but it is a fake story.

In other news – DANG IT! The shuttle launch was delayed til Thursday which is the day I fly back so I’m shafted. DARN YOU NASA!!!

 

The origin of this phrase points to several possible sources. Shockingly, none of them tell this story. Allow me to relate my personal favorite theory behind ‘a penny saved is a penny earned.’

It was during the peak of the Civil War and Abraham Lincoln was with some Union soldiers. The soldiers were, of course, very nervous to be standing near such a great man. Also one of the soldiers had a rather odd fear of tall people, so he was particularly nervous.

Another soldier came running up to the group of soldiers, who were his friends.

“I just saved a girl’s life! She’s the most beautiful girl and I – Oh!,” the soldier stopped short when he noticed the gangly President. “Sir, I apologize!,” the soldier cried out.

“Dude, chill,” Lincoln said. “What’s the chick’s name?”

“Ah … Penny, sir,” the soldier replied, equally flustered and proud.

“So …,” Lincoln said, encouragingly.

“So?,” the soldier said, unaware of Lincoln’s intent.

“Well, give us more details. What’s she like? She married? Don’t leave us hanging man, it’s a total dude-fest out here, I could use a good story to cheer me up,” Lincoln said eloquently.

“Oh, uh … well, she’s not married, sir. And uh … she seems nice, um …” The soldier tried to think of more to say.

“Bro. Listen,” Lincoln started out, getting more courage as he spoke, “she’s gotta be totally smitten with you right now. Just like, boom, that dude is hot because he saved my life. It’s time to GET that mess!”

The soldiers all shared glances, wanting to make very sure of Lincoln’s meaning.

“Guys,” Lincoln shook his head and chuckled at their obtuse minds, “a Penny saved is a Penny earned.”

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Short Short Stories

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