The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

De Jour of the Week (6/7/10)

6/7/2010

I just got a haircut!

Fancy New Haircut!

I tell the clerk my name and take a seat
I pick up a national geographic from 4 years ago
(The article on that African tribe is really neat)
I can’t wait for the barber to hack off this fro

Oh man, that lady cutting hair looks really angry
But that one over there is really chatty
Angry-scissor wielding, or awkward small talk for me

Guy who is practically bald – I don’t get you
15 dollars to snip at four hairs and call it a hairdo?

They called my name!? I think? Was that my name?
“Uh …” my name or not, it’s my turn just the same

“Hi, how are you, nice to see you, whaddya want,”
Ahhhh, the impeccable grace of the hair-cutting debutante

Pointing to a picture on the wall
“Like that?, but not as short …”
“K,” she says without looking at the picture on the wall
To thoughts of ‘don’t fall asleep at the wheel!’ I quickly resort

“Thick hair,” with amusement.
“Enough hair for ten people,” with amazement.
“Eh … yikes,” like I’m varmint.
“When’s the last time you got a haircut?,” with derision-ment.

Snip, snip, goodbye locks of … like
No more will I have this head that is so mop-like

Out of my daydream (I was a millionaire quarterback!)
And I get a small attack

When I said ‘like that, but not as short,’
She must’ve heard, ‘please make it shorter than short, short, short.’

“You look better with shorter hair,” she says
To the person standing over me holding scissors, I lie, “yes.”

At last! – my fancy new haircut
And my post-haircut ritual
Feel in a rut,
Grab a beanie, ball cap, newsboy hat – anything while in hair-withdrawal.

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De Jour of the Week (4/21/10)

I SUPPOSE if people read this and they think of conversations they’ve had with their parents that could be understandable. But me? Noooooooo. This was inspired by conversations with my know-it-all stuffed animal, Little Foot (from Land Before Time).

I Called for Your Two Cents, but I Got Ten

I called for your two cents
You’re smart and your advice makes sense
But now we’re twenty minutes in and I can’t help but wince

I laid out my problem nice and clear
Even telling the parts that make it clear I’m no dear
And you listened without judgment, allaying my worry and fear

You asked some questions for clarification
And you “hmmm’d” and “umm’d” in consternation
But we got the problem stated clearly, much to my gratification

You voiced a bit of life’s-hard-lessons reason
And threw in some light-hearted stuff to keep it fun
Not to be rude – but let’s get to it, please, say your advice and be done

Oh. Now you’re stating the obvious
And re-stating the facts is good, but in all fairness,
I’m afraid I’ll soon be tactless, vicious and ruthless

Why did I call you to get your advice?
I already had a plan, and my plan will suffice
You’re going to go from ‘sure I’ll help’ to ‘now, that wasn’t nice’

‘I know … yeah … yeah … I know … I know’
How tightly clenched can my jaw go?
Count to ten, self, find your inner calm and just … breathe … slow …

Finally, your thoughts are laid out there
Said with lots of thought and care
While my look burns a hole at whatever I fix my stare

I’m sorry, yes, thank you, you’re right
But remember – personal problems are heavy, another person’s are light
And I may appreciate your words when the problem’s end is in sight

I called for your two cents, but I got ten
Now I’ve got my original problem, plus a side of aggravation
But you know what – I’ll still be calling you again

On a personal note: Thanks mom (for reading the haikus and the compliment) and cousin G Pat (for being awesome)!

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De Jour of the Week (4/12/10)

The Last Bite

The menu’s placed in front of me
Each item looks like a delicacy
The promise of food makes me act so kindly

Yes, yes, yes, maybe, yes, ooooh! YES!
Now close the menu so I don’t second-guess

I order and await my feast
Licking my chops like some kind of beast

Ok, waiter, what’s up?, where’s the food?
I’m here for fowl, not a foul mood
You walk out with a plate! … but it’s for some other dude.

My anger flies out the window with the arrival of my plate
Don’t ever forget that food will always placate

The smells are wafting
Dig in and stop the small-talking

The first bite is delicious
The second bite is delicious
The third bite, the fourth bite, the fifth bite … delicious

Soon I take a deep breath to give myself a rest
I’m probably already full, but I still attack with a zest

A refill?, yes, please, my stomach skin needs a good stretching
While compliments to the chef, the waiter, the world – I’m singing

Ohh … ohhh no
Here we go
My fork-steering has gotten awfully slow

I’m full, I know it, why won’t I stop chewing?
Honestly I’m one bite away from moo-ing

Geez, it looks like I haven’t even made a dent!
This restaurant’s owner is some God-awful malcontent!

Do not pass go, do not collect 200 hundred dollars, go directly to stuffed and agitated
Just a short while ago I was upset because my hunger made me aggravated
And now I’m a balloon, a raft, a floaty – I’m inflated

But, I still need to take one last bite
My arm is moving, the food is coming at me, my body is angry at the sight

The teeniest, tiniest, it-won’t-make-a-difference sliver
The stomach just needs to expand a bit, so move aside liver

I hate food, I hate movement, I hate everything
The idea of eating out again is dizzying
And yet, the dessert menu is strangely tempting …

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