The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

December Haiku

December 1 (Friday)
What is happiness?
The kiddo sleeping on me
With little sleep sounds

December 2 (Saturday)
Went shopping today
The dog stayed home and practiced
Her best forlorn look

December 3 (Sunday)
Vid of kid sneezing
And … is that MY voice? Gushing?
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

December 4 (Monday)
Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s
(Dramatic audible sigh)
Back to work I go

December 5 (Tuesday)
Winter has arrived
As evidenced by my hands
Dry, cracked, scaly hands

December 6 (Wednesday)
If Quasimodo,
Camels fought for ‘hump day’ rights
Who would win the fight?

December 7 (Thursday)
Got sis from airport
Quick bathroom stop at Dunkin’
Hellooooo donut holes

December 8 (Friday)
Vacation day, fools!
Brewery tour with the sis
Yes please, free samples

December 9 (Saturday)
Take out Thai food plus
Bad Netflix Christmas movie
Equals a good night

December 10 (Sunday)
Aw, happy baby!
AH! Upset screaming baby!!
… My circle of life

December 11 (Monday)
My moment of Zen
Is picturing the kiddo’s
Big, goofy smile

December 12 (Tuesday)
Christmas shopping done!
But for buying myself junk
It’s open season

December 13 (Wednesday)
People have spoken!
Thank God ‘Bama has black folks
White ‘Bamans … The hell?

December 14 (Thursday)
The internet’s free
To be broken for profit
Thank you FCC

December 15 (Friday)
Kid can’t do dairy
So the wife cut out dairy
No milk … For good milk

December 16 (Saturday)
Hosted a small brunch
Everyone there has babies
Life moves pretty fast

December 17 (Sunday)
Kiddo’s belly’s off
Poor kids hardly slept last night
Mom and Pop? No sleep.

December 18 (Monday)
Check the to do list
Huh, it says ‘Be unproductive
Just count til Christmas’

December 19 (Tuesday)
Christmas card crafting
Or, a chance to be cheesy
And show off my son

December 20 (Wednesday)
So great it’s Friday!
*Looks at clock, blinks, sighs, bows head*
I feel so betrayed

December 21 (Thursday)
Tree falls in the woods
Tree summers in the mountains
Tree has some nice homes

December 22 (Friday)
Who here among us
Would like to cast the first stone?
(Glass house unveiling)

December 23 (Saturday)
Hello vacation!
Ten days of sitting around
Plain old glorious

December 24 (Sunday)
Wife’s folks and grandfolks
Visiting us for Christmas
Our kiddo’s first one!

December 25 (Monday)
Merry Christmas, all!
And to those who could care less
Happy Monday, all!

December 26 (Tuesday)
Food out for rabbits
Courtesy my wife’s grandpa
They took most of it!

December 27 (Wednesday)
Saw Star Wars!
He was all, ‘hey man, same team?’
She was like, ‘as if!’

December 28 (Thursday)
Wake up with kiddo
We play or he naps on me
Joys of staycation

December 29 (Friday)
Nature can be cruel
My son gives a giant pout
I giggle, say ‘awwww!’

December 30 (Saturday)
‘Don’t Know What That Means
But it Sounds Intelligent???’
My auto-bio

December 31 (Sunday)
Rang in the new year
By making good burritos
PARTY FOR LIFE, YA’LL

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Du Jour of the Week

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The Story of Mr. Quackers

Before my wife and I moved from Houston to Colorado we were out with her folks one day. They had offered to buy us a dining room table, and we said, ‘yeah, ok.’ We probably said that more graciously, but who knows.

While at a furniture store I quickly took to wandering because … it was a furniture store.

I noticed none other than Mr. Quackers. A nice, wooden duck with clogs. How odd. I picked him up and did an old Bugs Bunny cartoon dance routine, having him dance around while I provided the music.

IMG_20171205_072041493~2My wife’s mom noticed this.

Fast forward … some amount of time. Weeks? A month plus? It’s Christmas Day! Huzzah!

It’s my wife’s family’s year and we are opening gifts. I’m slowly unwrapping this large gift, curious what it could be in such a large box, and whale … it’s … a duck? With shoes? What an odd, odd thing to get somebody. My wife’s mom has gone batty.

‘Hey … thanks!’

What on earth? I mean, I know her family recognizes that I’m a weirdo but what a truly strange shot in the dark for a gift.

You see, I had no memory of having Mr. Quackers get up and dance because I do dumb things every where I go, every day. If I had to remember all of the dumb things I do, my brain would be a complete waste of space.

To me, the fact that I opened up a (to me, at the moment) totally random duck with shoes for Christmas is very funny to me, and it makes me appreciate Mr. Quackers and my wife’s folks all the more.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Mountain Cottontail Defense

God: NEXT!
Mountain Cottontail: Hey, I’m a –
God: You’re a fast little fella! That’s what you are. Ok, what can I do for you?
Mountain Cottontail: Well, I love my fur. Thank you for that. It’s just, …
God: You’re sick of the sex jokes?
Mountain Cottontail: Nah. Those I kinda like. But, I –
God: Wish you had opposoble thumbs?
Mountain Cottontail: Huh? You mean opposable?
God: No … It’s like … It’s a joke I’m working on where a human has two opposable thumbs but they hate each other. They’re opposite! It’s … it’s gonna be good, just give it time.
IMG_20171108_072129292~2Mountain Cottontail: Can we …
God: Right. Yes. Go ahead.
Mountain Cottontail: It’s just that, I see other animals running away from predators, or fighting back, or even some animals aren’t hunted at all, and I wish I had a different defense.
God: You’ve got a great defensive instinct! I thought that was a neat trick!
Mountain Cottontail: Neat trick or a joke?
God: Um … kinda both, to be honest.
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Hey kids, today we’ll learn about how to evade a predator! You just stand there. Super still. Don’t move!’ It’s embarrassing.
God: No, see, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘But dad! Isn’t that how mom died?’
God: Oh come on, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Yeah, and twelve of my twenty brothers. They waited till the last second, tried to run but NOPE. DEAD.’
God: (audible deep breath)
Mountain Cottontail: Can you please do something?
God: Ok. Sure. I’m going to make your poops tiny, adorable little pellets.
Mountain Cottontail: How does that –
God: Look! Ploop ploop! Look at those! Hahaha how adorable!
Mountain Cottontail: (audible sigh)
God: NEXT!

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Du Jour of the Week

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