The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Dear Mr. Jean Claude

Dear Mr. Jean Claude,

Recently my son turned 11 and a friend of his mentioned a movie of yours. My son is now dying to see this movie but I cannot allow this because in my family we do not engage in using profanity. I think it is foul, crude, and shows a lack of education.

I am writing, as a parent, to respectfully ask you to change your name to something more sensible and re-release your movies under your new name.

Here are some name suggestions:
Jean Claude van Darn
Jean Claude van Dadgummit
Jean Claude van Oh Golly

Thank you in advance,
Joe Watkins

 

Dear Mr. Watkins,

Thanks for your letter.

Doug – I cc’d you on this for a reason. Think you could write up a script where I’m the parent of a daughter in college and I wear tight jeans and high-kick over protective parents in the face? I don’t know, something about their overprotectiveness threatens my daughter’s life or something.

Thanks for the idea Mr. Watkins.

 

Respectfully,
Jean Claude van Damme No-He-Didn’t-Oh-Yes-He-Did

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How the US Can Beat Belgium

I beg of you, please follow these steps to help the US Men’s National Team to advance tomorrow against Belgium.

  • Don’t eat fancy chocolates
    • This will send those Belgies (I just coined that) a message: we mean business
  • Avoid waffles
    • Don’t waffle when it comes to the USMNT
  • Crush up brussel sprouts and pour them on everything
    • This doesn’t make that much sense but soccer is on and I don’t have any creative juices flowing at the moment

Leave work early on Tuesday (the game is on at 3pm Central time) and cheer for the team. If they lose, be proud they made it this far. If they win, be ecstatic and dance around and make people at the place you’re watching the game wish they were soccer fans.

GO USMNT!!

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Welcome to the Spurs

Dear ______,

Welcome to the Spurs! We are delighted to have you as part of this industrious and hard-working organization. We have a long standing tradition of striving for excellence while attempting to remain humble, and I’d like to take this time to inform you of a few items of note in our organization. Keep these items in mind and do what I tell you, and you’ll make a great addition to our team.

Manu Ginobili will insist on getting your number. You must allow this. Then, every night but Saturday night, he will send you a message on your phone that is him reading a short bedtime story or part of a longer story. You can stop by my office in the morning to get a recap (Manu will ask you specific questions), but I’ve found it’s best for everyone to listen to the whole message. ALWAYS appreciate the voices he makes up for different characters.

Kawhi Leonard is possibly the worst joke teller you will ever meet. He rarely remembers the punchlines, and when he does he often reveals them before he starts the joke. But if you want him confident going into a game, you’re going to have to laugh a lot. Bless his heart.

Tim Duncan is one of the most genuinely kind people who has ever existed, and he will not stop working towards creating a better world … To an unhealthy degree. We were driving together once and he noticed some homeless people, “who are they?” he asked. I explained that they were some of San Antonio’s homeless people. The next day he was a few minutes late to practice, and it was because he had been negotiating with a real estate agent to buy a house for every homeless person in San Antonio. For this reason, the Spurs organization would kindly ask you to lie to Timmy and not let him know that there is any wrong in this world. Really.

Tony Parker is French. Parkour started in France. Tony claims that he is the founder of parkour and that the name is derived from his last name. I used to wonder if Tony was doing this as a practical joke, or he sincerely believes he started parkour, but now I just roll with it.

As for me, the world knows I can be tough to deal with. As a reward for a great practice you can tickle me for 5 minutes. If you’ve had a great game, 8 minutes. I’m told tickling me is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

Welcome to the Spurs.

Pop

Is it just me or does Pop look a little … tickled?

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