The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Bizarre Job Posting

This article inspired this post … I’ll summarize it: some Russians simulated a trip to Mars, locking up this crew for FIVE HUNDRED and TWENTY DAYS! Painful, right?

Here’s how I’d expect the job posting to go.

***

Attention, heroes of tomorrow! Say, what are you up to the next 520 days? Do you have free time? Do you like small spaces? Do you feel like the government is watching you, and frankly, the idea isn’t that troublesome?

Then we have a job for YOU!

***

Short, and to the point, unlike that job. Yowzers. 520 days. I don’t think the bat exists that can poop out the crazy that I would become.

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Faking Football Knowledge

For some people, football may already be over … It could be that they only care about college football, or they are die-hard fans of one particular NFL team and can’t be bothered to talk about football now that their team has been knocked out of the playoffs.

For a lot of people, though, football is just beginning. Now is the time that it’s a more common work topic. Suddenly Fridays at work are “show your passion for your favorite team!” You hear people on Mondays talking about the games that happened. Tuesdays it’s died down, except for an occasional comment. Thursday and Friday it’s back in the hallway chatter.

All fine and dandy if you’re into football, idle chatter and/or reduced productivity.

But what if you don’t know squat about the games?

Here are three generic comments that will get someone blabbering away mindlessly about the game, leaving them to think you know what you’re talking about, and at your whim you can cut off the person with a quick, “oh shoot – I have to run. Meeting time!”

  • Call me crazy, but I just don’t think Kim Kardashian is worthy of all the attention she gets.

The person will probably respond by talking about Kaepernick’s running ability (and tough to spell name). Just remember, you are in control, fake meetings can be very urgent.

  • Ugh, that call in the fourth quarter made me question whether Anquan Boldin really does have a nice tushy or not. Don’t say anything, I’m inconsolable.

Of course the person will return your comment by talking about the missed defensive play that allowed the Ravens to score on such a last minute bomb of a throw – but stick to your guns, Q’s tushy – hot or not? NOT!

  • I still don’t see Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen – Katniss wouldn’t be built like her.

Then the predictable response, would the Seahawks even be here if RGIII’s knee was 100%? Talk about cliche.

Stick with these three simple, generic football commentary items and you’ll BS with the best in the office!

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Welcoming 2013

New Year’s Resolutions come and go. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some. I just need to “re-brand” it. I need to combine a resolution with a slogan. Make 2013 a year known as … something.

2013, Make Friends with a Queen

That could be a potential resolution AND slogan. Am I currently friends with a queen? Not that I know of. Should I become friends with one? Yes, if I can’t think of a funnier slogan.

Don’t be Mean in 2013

That’s not funny in the slightest, but it would probably a good resolution. What’s that mean? That means: NEXT!

Read Like a Preteen in 2013

This is the most doable so far of all of my resolutions. In 2012 I read the Hunger Games books very quickly. With this resolution I could feel like an avid reader due to the number of books I could read without having the burden of having to use my brain.

Be Green for 3013

See what I did there? It’s a 2013 resolution, but … see, by being green I’d be saving the world for another … ah, whatever. One simple change/”resolution” I made in late 2011 was to use less paper towels when drying my hands in public restrooms. All you do is shake your hands a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. So simple!

Make Being a Badass Routine in 2013

BOOM! I don’t know how I’m going to do this, which makes it perfect for a New Year’s resolution. It’s vague so I can say anything accomplishes this resolution.

“Hey, did you actually stick to your resolution?”
“Me?, yeah, heck yeah. I committed to being a badass and you know what? I did that. I didn’t change a thing about me to better myself, which shows I’m confident in who I am, so that’s pretty B.A. dude.”
“Sounds like you’re just lazy and self-congratulating.”
“I know. B.A., right?”

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