The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Baby Comedy Routine

Hey folks, how are we all doing tonight? Good?

Ok, ok …

So listen, a few months ago, before I was born, I remember saying, “hey, lady, mother figure, am I right?, I’m like, hey, can’t a guy get a little more WOMB in here?”

No, but seriously, that place she had me staying was awful. It was cramped. It was warm. The food was like paste. It reminds me of a hotel where I stayed in JERSEY. OHHHH. Just kidding, just kidding, New Jersey’s great, I’ve got family out there.

I hope they STAY there!

Heyyyy! Come on! We’re all friends here, ok? Ok.

Anyway back when I was still in the womb, the hotel womb, right, so I would practice my set. Practice, practice, practice, right? But here’s the thing – management there was tough. I remember I started, day 1, and all I did was WORK. You know my first water break was NINE MONTHS into the job.

I’m kidding of course. I loved it there.

So uh … Tough crowd … This room’s gonna need a diaper change.

(Drops mic, exits stage via someone coming out and picking him up and carrying him off)

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Attn: Ellen (1/8/14)

Front

Ellen151a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen151b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I bet if I was a horse and going to my first day of horse high school and I saw other horses and I said “hey” some bully horse would say “horses eat hay!” I’d probably try to have a quick response like, “that joke is stale-ion … like stallion …”

This hypothetical horse high school would be tough for me.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Action Movie Theme Park

On Christmas my dad and I watched Hot Fuzz, an action/comedy that pokes fun of classic action movie scenes and themes while having those same things. It’s a pretty good flick if you haven’t seen it.

In the movie one of the characters is jealous of another who has gotten to do some classic action movie scene things.

This got me thinking … Wouldn’t I also like to do some of these things? Not in a life or death situation, of course, but in a fun-loving, shooting a gun while driving a car sort of way.

Here are some of the featured “rides” at this park!:

  • Shooting a gun at targets along a set path while someone else drives (or, more likely, the car is automated)
  • Shooting a gun while rolling around on the ground
  • Being chased (or chasing someone) through a simulated crowded airport (or mall, or crowded city street)
  • And much more!!!

Before you think, “this is ridiculous. It sounds insanely dangerous, and if it actually came to be it would be super expensive” … I want you to consider this: This is a real website:

http://www.texasexotichunting.net/africangame.html

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