The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

The Lonely Adventurers

Little boys see danger
Where there is only a tree
Little boys see adventure
While escaping responsibility

Little boys grow up and make for great adventurers
But, have you ever stopped to wonder,
When they’re out shaking hands with death
If, when their body comes back, their heart’s all asunder

From Portugal to India, you opened the world, but,
Did you call out for your mama?
When on your death-bed with malaria,
Oh, explorer-great, Vasco de Gama?

You can circumnavigate with the best, Ferdinand Magellan
You sail with seemingly no hint of fear
But you couldn’t circumnavigate your need for a hug
As you died, pierced, by a bamboo spear

Here, fishy, fishy!, heeeere, fishy, fishy, fishy!
Where did you go, Jacques Cousteau?
And where are you now, exploring still?
Or are you cuddled up with a throw pillow?

Aging is terrible, said the fountain of youth, laughing
A quest to find it was the aim of Juan Ponce de Leon
He failed, dying of an arrow wound, and reconnecting with his youth:
The fetal position is great for when you’re poisoned and alone

Adventurers embrace risks and danger
They will go down in history’s annals
Often so close to their goals …
They only lacked stuffed animals

So … I really like this idea, but I don’t like this poem much. I’m throwing it out there with the best of intentions to re-write it at a future date. Really, being an explorer would be craaaaazy scary. And these guys (except Cousteau, the only modern one in this bunch) kept dying in foreign lands! (Not for no reason, they were often taking “unclaimed’ lands and killing or converting as they saw fit.)

Anywho, it’s “funny” (maybe interesting is a better word) to think of explorers dying, sad and lonely, in far-away places after living an incredibly tough-guy, amazing life.

Also I don’t like the concluding verse … But I chose to watch the basketball game rather than think about it. GO LOUISVILLE!

Attn: Ellen (4/3/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I realized something ugly about myself today – I have become the guy who invites himself over. Only instead of it being 3rd grade and you have the best video games, I’m 28 and I want to meet you (and maybe a literary agent via your kindness). But don’t worry! I can fix this! I’ll have my mom call your mom and you’ll unknowingly be having me over because your mom is nice and feels bad for me.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

An Ode to Old Guys at the Gym

Entering the gym locker room and oh Lord, here we go,
An older gentleman, naked, who I unfortunately now “know”

Old guys in locker rooms, what’s the deal?
With aging muscles showing the strength of veal

While your confidence could be considered wonderful
It doesn’t go well with your breasts, which are plentiful

There seems to be a natural correlation
The less appealing, the longer you take to change without hint of humiliation

There is always the same set of three –
I call them the croissant club, because they’re doughy and pasty

What’s your purpose? What cause do you serve?
What evil have I done to make this what I deserve?

I set down my clothes and begin to change quickly
When a naked man carrying his towel sits next to me

Why, naked man, don’t you wear your towel?
Why can’t you notice my gag-reflex-slash-scowl?

Maybe it’s my WASP upbringing and I’m a prude
But your hairy body is making me come unglued

Taking care not to have my bare feet touch the floor
I keep my head straight and stare at my locker door

Finished, I make for the exit as quick as can be
Head bowed as though I’m praying dutifully

And again, I feel anger and sadness flow
As a naked man cuts me off … going … so … slow

Finally! I’m out the door and ready to work out!
…The images of the locker room croissant club hang about

In a flash (no pun intended), their anti-underwear-wearing purpose is clear
They’re here to motivate, to inspire, to frighten, all to get you in gear

So come on, inspirers and inspirees, let’s all head to the gym!
But I’m going to change at home so I won’t have to see any of them