The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

Quick Hits from D.C.

Hello friends … how are ye? I’m in the D.C. area for a little trip.

I

I’ll throw out a statement my cousin, and sometime commenter, made yesterday:

He was talking about seeing a beautiful woman and the thoughts that follow

  • She’s probably a jerk because she’s so beautiful
  • She’s probably too good to talk to him
  • “Or three, I’m an idiot because neither of those first things are true but I’m too afraid to go talk to her.”

I won’t say that last one is a direct quote because I didn’t write it down then, but I thought that was pretty brilliant from ol’ cousin G.

II

I also got to meet up with a friend of mine I haven’t seen since high school. I had bragged somewhat about meeting up with her because she’s a writer for a very well known and good magazine … Time.

Yeah. That’s right. I know a real writer.

She called me a tramp many times. This is because, at dinner one night, we (along with friends of hers) talked about if a kiss at the end of a good first date is expected. I said yes. She said no. Therefore, I was a tramp. So you’ve heard it here first, folks, Time magazine thinks I’m a tramp.

III

Last night I went to a coffee shop mainly to check emails. I noticed a table right by me with two girls, one of them on her laptop. She was looking at okcupid and plentyoffish, two dating websites. She was reading some messages to her friend, and they were laughing about guys on that site.

Sure it could be perceived as mean, but I’d challenge you to be on one of those sites and NOT do that sometimes.

One of the messages the girl had gotten involved the guy telling her she was lucky to have received a message from him, that it was a great experience. I thought that was pretty good.

I actually ended up talking to them about the sites and how they enjoy them. One of the girls told me the other girl was trying to date the village people – a biker, a cop, an Indian chief, a … whatever the rest are. This was a joke goal, but also pretty fantastic.

Girl 1: Where will we find a cowboy?
Girl 2: Ok well it doesn’t have to be a cowboy.
Girl 1: Yeah, it could just be like a guy from Texas.
Girl 2: Yeah. He’d have to wear a cowboy hat though.
Girl 1: Ok so a guy from Texas.
(Me sitting there, visiting from Texas.)

The fact that I went up and talked to these two was enough bold, outgoing-ness for one day. I wasn’t about to say, “ya’ll lookin’ for a Texan? Aw now, look no futha’.” Except wait, I’m awkward.

Me: I’m actually visiting here from Houston.
Girl 1: Perfect! You two can date!
(Girl 2 probably scared.)
Me: Well I’m not FROM Texas. You need one of my co-workers with a real thick drawl.
Girl 1: Oh ok.
(Unsure where to go from there … a little awkward silence … I made fun of Texas … then the shop owner says ok get out. It was closing time.)

Congratulations to me.

Category:

Weekly Wacko

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My Zombie Roomy (6/10/11)

I noticed something, which led me to realize something I hadn’t noticed at all. Pretty deep, right?

Here’s what I noticed: the Zombie checking himself out in the mirror.

Here’s what I realized I hadn’t noticed: the Zombie has never once looked at himself in the mirror.

I think I’d never noticed the lack of mirror-visits because I didn’t expect the Zombie to care how he looked. Zombies have just never struck me as being too image-conscious. And yet, the amount of dried blood on him never seems to vary much. It’s like how I have a beard trimmer so I don’t have to do a clean shave – he maybe has some blood thing where he’s got the blood equivalent of stubble.

I don’t know where he his on a scale of 1 to 10 in the undead world, but that look on his face when he was looking at the mirror? I think I may need to try and cheer him up. Time to start casually adding a compliment after I yell at him not to drink straight out of the bottle of Febreeze.

“Zombie I told you – pour the Febreeze in your cup first! Also … you look nice today.”

Hm. Better keep working on it. How would you casually compliment a zombie?

.

Category:

My Zombie Roomy

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James Noguchi, My Unfortunate (imaginary) Friend

What would happen if I had a friend named James Noguchi, and he and I went to a party.

James: Hey, check her out.
Me: Who?
James: The chick, dude. Check her out.
Me: She looks sociable. Gross.
James: You’re a loser. Come on, I’m going to talk with her.
Me: What? Why do I have to come? I can stand here and pretend to text while you go do that.
James: Dork. Come on. You and I will talk about something stupid and then ask her about her opinion.
Me: That’s your move?
James: What’s your move?
Me: Using the internet.
James (judging eyes)

(Walking toward the girl.)

James: (loudly) I just don’t think, if I could pick any non-traditional super-hero power … that I would pick the ability to tell exactly how much sodium my meal contains.
Me: And I think it’s very important to know how much sodium my meal has.
James: You can’t look at the label?
Me: Food has labels?
James: (to the girl) What do you think?
Girl: He’s got a point, labels are boring.
Me: See? Another illiterate person at this party, finally.
Girl (pity laugh)
James: (glaring at me) Don’t mind Brad, he doesn’t get out much.
Girl (laughs)
James: I’m James Noguchi.
Me: Wait, what about some guchi?
James: Not now, Brad.
Me: Please? Just a tiny bit of guchi?
Girl: I don’t get it.
James: My last name is Noguchi … Brad pretends it’s No. Guchi.
Me: ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE GUCHI!
Girl: …
James: I hate you Brad.
Me: Fine. No guchi. You win. You’re a hell of a negotiator, Noguchi.
Girl: I think my friend’s waving at me to meet some other people. Nice to meet you guys!
James: I seriously hate you Brad.
Me: Looks like I’m getting all the Noguchi I want tonight. Want to head to my place and play video games?

 

(There’s a guy at work with the last name Noguchi. I walked by, saw his last name, and immediately thought, “how about a little guchi? Please? Just some guchi?”)

Category:

Short Short Stories

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