The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

Let’s Hear it for the Birds

Recently my fiancé (I am still more often than not calling her my girlfriend – whoops) and I spent the weekend with her grandparents. The idea was for us to relax, possibly go fishing, and just have quality time with them.

Despite less than ideal weather (which I learned impacts your likelihood of catching anything), the fishing happened and it was enjoyable. I learned a good bit from my fiancé’s grandpa and even got a rod and reel as a gift from her grandparents. (The last time I had gone fishing may very well have been for bugs.)

To me the most interesting moment of the trip was a very mundane thing that led to a funny realization.

On Saturday we were moving and shaking pretty much all day – fishing trip, then I went for a jog, then ran some errands with my fiancé’s grandpa, dinner, then downtime (phew). I had been looking forward to sitting on the deck, looking at the ocean, sipping coffee and reading. Sunday morning brought this lovely scene to reality. After a bit my fiancé’s grandparents came outside too. They began to talk about birds in the birdhouses outside of their house. Apparently some neighbors watch them so much that they recognize when they have come back (after they fly away to wherever during the cold season). Both grandparents told bird stories – the first about watching a bird fly up, up, up, tuck its wings and dive bomb down then spread out its wings and swoop safely along. Then a story about an angry mama bird circling the birdhouse chirping away at a baby bird too afraid to take that first leap to learn to fly … Eventually the mama bird came down, knocking the bird out of its house, forcing instincts to kick in and allow the bird to learn to fly.

My God, I thought, they watch birds for fun. That is a new level of boring.

This is when I had my moment of clarity. (By the water, too, how classically symbolic).

Sitting there, happy to sip coffee and not move, I realized how if me from 15 years ago was to see this … He would be shocked. I can’t tell you how shocked I would be. ME, one of those people who just likes to sit around and sip coffee (coffee!? blech!) and not move. Don’t I know there’s a BEACH right there? Don’t I know I could be doing something FUN? I looked at the birds and wondered, how many years til you guys are interesting?

I think there are three things that will help me continue to transition to becoming someone my 10 year old self would dread – enjoying life (especially the little things), finding humor in those little things, and having someone around who has to listen to my ramblings (I’m looking at you, fiancé).

Attn: Ellen (4/30/14)

Front

Ellen168a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen168b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If my fiancé decides she would like us to write our own vows I am just going to describe this postcard’s picture, as though it is her and me on the cover.

“And in the hazy distance were stallions … And ducks.”

Now THAT’S romance!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Do Not Use Electroshock Therapy

This post was inspired by a work email that included this sage piece of advice, if you are bitten by a rattlesnake one of the things NOT to do if bitten is: “Do not use electroshock therapy.”

 

***

“John! JOHN!! HELP!!”
“Doug? Doug, what’s going on?!”
“A snake just bit me! I think it’s a rattlesnake too!”
“Oh my God! Is it still closeby?”
“No … No, I was in the woods when I got bit, so I ran out to this trail to find you.”
“Ok good. Ok … Ok. Umm, so first of all stay calm. And – ”
“I have the area of the bite below my heart so that -”
“Oh yeah! Yeah! You want to minimize blood flow or something. Ok yeah. So … ok it’s coming back to me some … Uh …”
“I remember no aspirin because it can increase bleeding.”
“Yes! Yes! Good memory! Um … OH! DUH! Electroshock therapy!”
“…What?”
“Yeah. How could I forget? People always make fun of me for having this travel version home electroshock therapy kit in my trunk, so you’d think I would’ve thought of this right away … I tell ya, it’s funny how the mind works, it’s like this one time – ”
“DUDE.”
“Right! Be right back!”
“Wait! … NO! … Dang it … Why does he want to give me electroshock therapy? Is he thinking I imagined this whole snake bite and he’s a therapist from the 30’s? What kind of awful solution is shocking the hell out of me? ‘Were you bitten by a snake?’ ‘Yes’. Bzzzzz. This is just so -”
“Hey! I ran back as fast as I could. Ok, so if I remember right it’s like jump starting a car.”
“I AM NOT A CAR.”
“Dude, chill. I know that. This is for the snake bite. Desperate times I guess. I mean! … Not that this is desperate. Stay calm … Just … put these clamps on.”
“NO! NO! How is shocking me supposed to help!?!?”
“Uh … first of all it’s electroshock therapy … So … That makes a difference I guess. And second of all I’m not a scientist, but I guess the shocks are like a therapeutic measure that relaxes you so the venoms collect and drain out with the blood that you’re losing. It’s all good, dude. Just bite down on this towel so you don’t accidentally bite your tongue off and we’ll get your engine running again. Ha! Get it? Like you’re a car.”
“…Yeah, I got the joke.”

 

And that’s how Doug died.

 

(The advice is funny to me because it seems like common sense to me, when is electroshock therapy ever a good idea?, but also it’s funny because it has a sort of double negative … What NOT to do: Do NOT use electroshock therapy. So are you saying you want me to use electroshock therapy?)

 

Nurse Ratchet, why are you carrying that bucket of snakes?