The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

My Zombie Roomy (11/15/12)

I don’t know what came over me but suddenly I was so curious if the Zombie is ticklish. I’m not going to stretch this out and tell you that I found out. It would’ve felt weird to find that out.

It’s like my cheating test. If you’re dating someone, and you have a friend who is the same sex as your boyfriend/girlfriend … here’s how you know if what you are doing is something you should NOT be doing. I’ll use myself as an example.

(Note: This works better for the stereotypical fella.)

Let’s say I have a girlfriend. And one day I am hanging out with a female friend. I picture myself doing whatever this female friend and I are doing with a guy friend … If I feel like I would feel awkward doing that with a guy friend, I shouldn’t be doing it with a female friend. So easy! For example, if we’re both crying and talking about our childhood memories, this is “emotional cheating” (a term I learned from an ex). Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but it’s a good general rule of thumb.

Now to bring it back – I could never tickle a girl if I was dating someone because that would feel like cheating. I would not try to tickle a dude friend. The Zombie is, basically, a dude friend. Therefore, no tickling can happen.

I can’t ask the Zombie either. Just TRY to ask that guy a question and get a straight answer. The mystery of the ticklish state of the Zombino remains … I’ll think of something though. Don’t you worry.

Category:

My Zombie Roomy

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Attn: Ellen (11/14/12)

Front

NASA Ellen DeGeneres

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres History

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

History is full of great quotes, but you know what it lacks? Narrated rejoinders! “Failure is not an option,” he said with a smirk. “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself,” he said coyly.

See? What fun!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Is She the One?

I saw her across the room and before I knew it I was walking toward her. I didn’t know what to say so I decided to start with a lie.

“Hi, your sandwich might be poisoned.”

She politely informed me she had no sandwich nearby. I politely informed her, looking down and to the right, that I may be too late. Then I looked at her and said in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way, my God, you can’t keep your eyes off me. She stared disappointedly.

I asked her if I was coming on a little strong and she said you lack the muscle tone for that. I thought, wow, this is the one, and then she almost ruined the mood by saying quit staring at my chest. I asked if she wanted to play truth or dare, she told me I looked a lot better when my mouth was closed. I took the hint and started doing some spontaneous interpretive dancing.

Oh, look out ladies, I seemed to be saying with my hips, I’m available and I may be too much to handle. She didn’t seem to be getting this so I asked for her number to text her what my interpretive dance was saying.

She said she didn’t give her number out to dancers, not after that incident with Jean. I said it’s pronounced jean, as in the clothing item, and her lack of worldliness is probably what ended things. She said a pair of flannel sweatpants would probably get further with her than I ever would. I told her that’s incorrect, they would definitely get further than I ever would.

I stormed off making thunder noises, and doing jazz hands while yelling the word lightning. I hurried back quietly and informed her that I had stormed off, get it, and was she sad about it. She said a gale force wind was coming in, then she wound up and got a little spittle on my face as she treated my face like a birthday cake with too many candles. It was my turn to be disgusted. She whispered, my name is Gale, get it.

This is going to be an interesting first date.

Category:

Short Short Stories

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